


You know I'd rather drown than to go on without you

by Linsupremacy



Category: The Handmaid's Tale (TV), The Handmaid's Tale - Margaret Atwood
Genre: Angst, F/F, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Fluff, I'm Not Ashamed, Serena being a bean, Smut, okay maybe I am
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-02
Updated: 2021-02-19
Packaged: 2021-03-13 01:54:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 24,045
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29145540
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Linsupremacy/pseuds/Linsupremacy
Summary: "So..." Tuello sighed and crossed his hands on the table." We think it would be good for your image and for Serena's safety that you take on a public relationship." I furrowed my eyebrows until they almost came together."You mean as friends?" Tuello pursed his lips."As romantic partners, June." I let out what was the beginning of a laugh trying to break the thin ice that had been formed.But it wasn't a joke...He wasn't laughing."You gotta be kidding.No one will buy the idea that Serena and I are a couple." Tuello raised his eyebrows and his eyes landed on Serena for longer than I thought necessary."My assistant asked if you were dating today after you took her coat from reception. " I opened my mouth ready to answer but I realized that I didn't have a witty reply to throw back and my ears were suddenly hot.Just a fake relationship story because I couldn't resist.For this purpose...That scene in season 2 didn't happen.
Relationships: June Osborne | Offred/Serena Joy Waterford
Comments: 46
Kudos: 28





	1. Golden Threads

**Author's Note:**

> Kind of my first June/Serena story.I'm totally obsessed with these two so hope you enjoy.

We run.

We.

I never thought when I started referring to me and her as "we", but it was probably that night.

We went through fences after fences, passing the baby from arms to arms and each of the Marthas had the same question in their eyes.I should have been alone.All the Marthas knew that, but they didn't question because there was no time for questioning.

We needed to leave because there was no other chance.

Emily's look in the back seat of that truck told me enough about what she thought of that. We didn't talk, not until we were inside the frontier.

We left.All of us.Me.She.Holly.Hannah.

And it still didn't seem real.

Because sometimes it didn't feel real.Back in Gilead ... In Gilead, I used to sleep with both eyes open, there was no chance that I could rest my head on my rough fabric pillow, smelling extremely chemicals, since Marthas didn’t use fabric softeners, and could really sleep. There was no way. Anything could happen. Someone could say the wrong thing at the wrong time.Sacrificing a handmaid who wasn't pregnant anymore would not be a big loss for Gilead.Or maybe the Commander could decide he was very bored.Or even an aunt could decide that I would be better off in another house.

Or she could be unstable.Nothing ... Nothing in Gilead scared me more than her voice ... When she was at the highest levels of her anger and disgust...

I take a deep breath and settle myself more comfortably in bed.That was the fourth time I woke up, the street light passed through the apartment window and I cursed myself a few times for not accepting the one on the fourth floor.

My eyes fall to the ceiling, it was peeled in places, but preserved.It was still a relatively new apartment and didn't smell like mold yet, which was already a great advantage of the one where Luke was placed.

Luke...No...I couldn't think of him right now. I couldn't dig it up when I was trying to sleep, it wasn't going to help...Not at all.

I don't think anything could help me.Even though Hannah breathes calmly beside me and I could hear her humming to Holly in the small living room.

She ..Serena.Not Ms.Waterford.Just Serena Joy.The divorce was one of the first steps that Tuello took in relation to Serena, with a lot of judicial arguments and a lot of "breaking Gileadian laws".She could not remain married to one of Gilead's top commanders as a fugitive from the country. Wives were owned by commanders and the word "divorce" simply did not exist in Gilead.For some reason...A shiver runs through my spine.

Sometimes I like to imagine his face when he received the news.Maybe he was in his office, wondering why the hell Serena hadn't come back from the greenhouse yet.Or maybe he was in his bedroom...The phone rang in the middle of the night, and he reached over to the nightstand and picked it up.Maybe it was the other day...Maybe he saw the video...God if there is any justice in this world I hope he saw the video.His look vitreous with rage, the jaw tight to the point of crack...His rage feeds me sometimes, almost like a little sleeping pill and I know how unhealthy it is.

I allow another sigh to leave my mouth.

It was getting late...Hannah had school tomorrow and Serena and I had a lot to do in Tuello's office.Just thinking about all the paragraphs she would make me read and correct just in the first light of the morning started to weigh my mind.

I needed a glass of water.Yes.There was no other solution.

I drag my feet across the hideous brown carpet that Serena hated and open the bedroom door.I can hear the sound of her voice as I walk down the hall.

She liked the Beatles.There was no chance that anyone would know what "Hey Jude" was in Gilead, they pretended not to because that was how that society was still standing.Based on pretense and dissimulation.

But there...In Canada, Serena hums the most famous Paul MacCartney song for our daughter.

Our daughter.If Nick ever left Gilead, we would have to talk about that.Luke didn't quite understand...But maybe Nick did.

Who am I fooling?

The only person happy about me and Serena playing house was Tuello. 

I would lie if I said that I really get his motivations for being so helpful, and careful and kind, and everything you can expect from a decent man.It was probably just me.We can say that we don't want to get used to, but we end up getting used to bastards like Fred.

I watch my bare feet, avoiding that particular wood that always made a noise when pressed, even with the carpet.  
Serena's head is the only thing that can be seen above the back of the sofa. Her blond hair is tied in a bun at the top of the head.I always liked that kind of golden hair.However, the bun is far from the inhuman firmness of that done in Gilead.  
In fact, there are strands scattered and the back of her neck is covered with them.Her voice echoes in the room with little furniture, soft but still powerful.Serena Joy was a singer before writing books that would help the sons of Jacob raise the biggest dictatorship already seen in the world and sometimes I forgot about it.

"And anytime you feel the pain ... Hey Jude ... Refrain ... Don't carry the world upon your shoulders" Hearing her singing reminded me of that night...The Commodores, tea, and heresy.What a nice title for a book.

"Hey." I announce my presence, just because I don't want to scare her by opening the refrigerator suddenly.Her head turns to me and her eyes shine for a moment.

"Hey." She whispers back before turning back to the package she's holding in her arms.

I open the fridge and pour water into a glass before leaning my hip against the counter top.She's not singing anymore.

"Was it cool to sing?" I ask and my voice sounds awful.Serena tilts her head back at me and my feet guide me to the couch, preventing her from looking like an owl every time she looks at me. "I remember you singing at a gospel show for children with your mom...I think...Was it cool?" I remembered my own mother turning off the TV every time she tuned in to that channel...She just hated the anchor of that show and her words about chastity, revelation, God's love...However, sometimes, when women sang, she would leave it if there was nothing good on TV...Mom used to say that the little girl was cute, even though she hated for a thousand reasons what her mother was doing to her.I could still remember, which was incredible, of a blonde woman with an even blonder girl...Pamela and Serena Joy.Who would say what that little girl could do when she stopped singing "Amazing Grace" with her mother?

"I didn't know you were a fan of gospel shows." Her answer makes me smile sideways as I take a long sip from my glass.The water soothes my throat, but not my mind.

"I wasn't ... My mom liked to watch you singing." Serena frowns, a slight groove forming between her eyebrows.

"Well...It was practically the only time I could see my mother without her complaining about something...So for my child's head it was incredible as if we were famous stars." It's my turn to frown.I needed to sleep, that was the only reason I didn't try to get into Serena's relationship with her mother.Besides the fact that it wasn't my business, right?

I was still getting used to the idea of being Serena Joy's roommate.

When Moira and I were in universety...Oh, that was fun.Really stupid and .... reckless times.There were clothes everywhere in our apartment, the smell was a mixture of expensive perfumes and coffee.The sun filled the kitchen with light because I painted the walls yellow, it always looked like a retro image from some 90s series.

She would walk into my room at 3 in the morning, smelling like marijuana and expensive drinks, smiling from ear to ear.She would whisper about the new girl she had just started sleeping with.We would still sleep arguing about what her program teacher was like probably a pervert.In the morning...I would make her a strong cup of coffee while reading the news on my laptop, listening to some crap on the living room radio.

Living with Serena couldn't be more different.She was, to say the least, methodical. Like a nerdy roommate.She arranged the plates by size and liked to leave the magazines in alphabetical order.The conversations were not about the boys, universety, or girls, but things like gospel shows.

God...I needed to get out of this apartment for a few days.

"Can't you sleep?" Her voice sounds low, another thing I'd still have to get used to.

"Can you?" I return the question and Serena just purses her lips, the threat of a smile.

"Holly was hungry and then it took some work for her to fall asleep." I tilt my head to look at Holly's rosy, barely covered face.

Holly Nichole.

"You could have called me.I wasn't sleeping anyway." Serena slowly shrugged.

"I didn't want to bother you if you were." I finish my glass of water, placing it on the coffee table.I can feel Serena's gaze piercing my cheek...She hated it when I left glasses on the coffee table.Like I said, a nerdy roommate.

The silence rests in the room. My breath. Her breath. Holly's breath. These are the only sounds in the apartment besides the occasional noises that come from Toronto downtown.

I lay my head on the back of the sofa and face the TV.

Serena was looking for another example of the meaning of freedom last week.This could fit.Sit on the sofa and decide you don't want to watch anything or say anything.

"Do you want me to sing?" My head turns so fast towards the other blonde that I believe I could easily dislodge a nerve.Serena doesn't notice my sudden movement, her eyes are on Holly, but if she noticed...She didn't say anything. "When my mom couldn't sleep ... I sang for her ... It's just a suggestion, maybe it can work for you too." I pressed my lips in a thin line.I needed to sleep.

I was so exhausted...My head was in that throbbing state and perhaps that's why I didn't really think about Serena singing to me.About how that situation should be the height of the stranger.Counting sheep didn't work and I refused to go back to bed and think...Thinking, sometimes, made my stomach sick.

"And what did you sing for her?" I ask as I close my eyes, feeling my head sink.

"Gospel songs, mostly.But I think I can adapt for you." I can feel the smile on her mouth and one also appears on mine.

"Well, it wouldn't be the first time." I hear what could be the start of Serena's laugh before the silence rests in the room again.How many times did I made her laugh since that night?

"Oh Mother, I can feel the soil falling over my head ..." I almost open my eyes.Serena Joy singing The Smiths.That would be such a rude blow to Gilead, maybe even more than Serena Joy running away with a baby and her handmaid. "And as I climb into an empty bed.Oh well. Enough said." I take a deep breath.Her voice enters my ears and for some reason not very evident to me, it's good ... She had a melodious and balanced voice, a voice that few people were privileged to have.

My eyes were heavy when I heard her whispering "If you're so very good-looking ... Why do you sleep alone tonight?" I thought it was a little ironic, considering we were there.She was the second person I should hate the most in the world and it was her voice that was slowly leading me to sleep.

"Go to bed, June."

June.

I don't open my eyes when she touches my shoulder, just for a moment, her hand is warm.I didn't notice when I dozed off, but I was far from stepping out of the comfort of the couch.

"Sure." I hear her footsteps move down the hall and again allow my head to enter the state of ignorance that is sleep.

June.Freedom could also mean being called by your own name.I should write this down to tell Serena later.

June.My name sounds like a prayer.

That must be how angels speak.

When I sleep I dream and for the first time in a long time it's not about Gilead.

I dream about golden threads as if Rumpelstiltskin had spent some time in my mind. Golden threads...Like Serena's hair.


	2. It takes two to make an accident

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And here I am again, bringing some family dynamics.

They called me when I was leaving the office on foot.I forgot to fuel the car the previous day, so that day, Serena and I had to go to work by train.She complained the whole way, as one would expect.

It was early September, the weather was relatively good which would be a great thing since Luke had picked up Hannah from school a few hours earlier to make a picnic with Moira and Erin.They weren't really talking to me yet.

They would have to understand at some point.

June Osborne, the one my husband loved, the one Moira liked to talk at 3 am, the one she found at the red center and at Jezebel's ... She was no longer me, at least not completely.I ... I didn't know who June was outside of Gilead yet, but I knew that June was fine sharing an apartment with Serena Joy. I couldn't just leave her...Not after all.

The orange and green leaves filled the square in front of the office building, where I was currently working as Serena's editor.Tuello determined that the way we could help the other Gilead's victims and try to overthrow the dictatorship would be through words. Your words were once the engine of the revolution and can be again, that's what he said to Serena.

She needed an afternoon to give him the answer, on one condition.She wouldn't accept anyone else editing her texts, except me.She writes, I read.We did it once and we can do it again.I just hoped that this time we wouldn't end up in a beating session.Another shiver runs through my spine.Stopping associating things would be a great way to start dealing with the new life.

I took a deep breath of the damp afternoon air.The sky was leaving a slightly orange tone for a baby blue that reminded me of someone's eyes. I rolled my eyes at the thought, pulling the bag over my shoulder, and almost instantly my cell phone vibrated in the back pocket.

I pulled it out and looked at the display. Serena's name flashes on the screen and I frown.She left the office early.She would go to the supermarket to buy some things for dinner and pick up Holly at the daycare while I finished reading her last pages and sent it to Tuello.I pressed my lips together, feeling my fingers tremble a little bit. My stomach seems to struggle with everything I ate during the day.It was just Serena.But Serena wouldn't just call me for small talking ... She should be home by now, making dinner with Holly.

My heart was already racing when I slid my finger over the green button and raised the phone to my ear.

"Serena?" I tried, my voice sounds muffled and shaky. Shit.

"Miss June?" I feel the vomit building up in my throat. It was a woman's voice ... But it wasn't Serena's voice.

"Yes, it's me ... Where's Serena?" I think I was rude, I should have asked the name of the woman who spoke to me ... But I didn't care, not really.

"She is being examined by a doctor now, miss." I swallow the beginning of the vomit and the acidity makes me want to vomit again.My hand starts to tremble so much that it is difficult to hold the cell phone.I see a woman across the street, she is blonde.For a moment I beg for nothing and everything that let it be Serena, let it be a prank call, a bad joke.But it’s not ... Because that woman was no more than 5.2 feet tall.

"What happened?" I manage to mumble, my legs are struggling to stay upright.

"We are not sure, miss ... But I am almost sure it is already in the news." I frown and swallow. What? What's in the news? What the fuck Serena. 

“Is she okay?” It’s the only thing that I can really think about.It’s scary the way my heart raises with the possibility of her...Only to think about that.

“I don’t know, miss...She just arrived.” I take a deep breath.

"Can you give me the address of the hospital?" I wave for a cab the next second.

"Sure.It's on Elizabeth Street." I record the information and get into the back seat of the car. I knew where it was.

"Thank you so much for calling me, I ... I'll get there as soon as possible." The woman on the other line sighs and I frown again. My heart was beating in my ears, my face might as well be on fire now.

"No problem, miss." I hung up the phone and said the address to the man in the front seat who just nodded and headed down the street.I rubbed my temples with one hand while looking for the updated news page on the internet.

I didn't have to scroll down.

The most recent headline was very long: "Angry protesters attack ex-Gileadian leader"

There were no photos or videos, but I could imagine how it happened. There was a protest on the supermarket avenue, Serena couldn't shut the fuck up, and they threw things.Anything they could find.I rub my eyes.I want to scream.

I don’t.I act like an adult.

I call our neighbor, a cute old lady with gray hair, Gloria, and ask her to pick up Holly at the daycare.I explain quickly about the accident with Serena, and she immediately agrees to get her.I thank her.

I didn't call Luke...I wouldn't disturb his day with Hannah.

My cell phone rings again and I immediately look at the screen and even then my head seems in slow motion.That must be how the moments of real despair seem, they are extremely fast, but our mind interprets them slowly so that we have time to act.It's Moira's name that glows on the screen this time.I shouldn't, but I answer the same way.

"Hey, Stockholm." I don't have the presence of mind to roll my eyes at my new, very affectionate nickname.

"What, Moira?" I was watching the driver, we weren't far away.God, I needed to make sure she was okay, so I could hang her soon after.  
"I heard what happened to your girlfriend, is she okay?" I bite my lips with the "g" word, so hard that I think I may have pulled some blood.

"As if you care." I reply and I can almost see Moira smiling.

"I don't care, but I want to know if we can already buy fireworks." The sigh comes out of my lips before I can contain it.I wasn't going to deal with Moira's acid and resentful mood at that moment.There were more important things at stake.

"Go to hell, Moira." I don't wait for her to reply before hanging up...I throw myself against the back of the seat, feeling the driver's eyes on me in the rearview mirror.

"Difficult day, girl?" I nod, without even realizing it.

"More for a difficult life." He smiles and crosses a street at the yellow light.I don't care, because I can't stop my hands from shaking.I wanted someone to hold them, someone to tell me that she was fine...That she would be fine.Serena was hard as ice, but even ice breaks.

I pay the driver, giving him at least 10 more bucks because I wouldn't wait. My legs are sore, but I take the steps two at a time.

The reception is a mess.Are there reporters here? It's the first thing that crosses my mind, the second is that there were protesters too.People with painted signs and faces sitting on chairs along the wide hall.What the hell happened?

What the hell is going on?

"Serena Joy." Her name pops out of my mouth so fast that I can see the confusion on the face of the young red-haired girl behind the counter.

"Is she hospitalized?" The girl asks as she types on her computer.

"Well, you have to tell me." I close my eyes.Shit.It wasn't that girl's fault.Her eyes turn to me, a slight smile in the corner of her mouth. "Sorry, I..."

"No...It's okay, Miss Osborne.I'm more used to it than you can imagine." I frown.I wasn't crazy yet to the point of not remembering that I said my name to that girl, I didn't."Hmm... Miss Osborne, there is already someone in the room with her." I open and close my mouth, like a fish.

"Who the hell is in Serena's room?" Was it possible that even hospital employees were so irresponsible as to let anyone into the bedroom of a woman who had been beaten?

"I...I don't know, there was another girl here a few minutes earlier ... I ..." I was about to scream.I knew it wasn't that little girl's fault, I knew...But...Shit , it was Serena.

I knew I shouldn't care how I did, but damn she was my daughter's mother.She was my nerdy roommate.

"June." I turn around when I hear my name.My eyes meet Mark Tuello's slender, well-dressed form.I feel my jaw close so hard that I can easily grit a tooth.

"What the fuck is going on?" I cross my arms when I reach him and I can feel half a dozen eyes on my back.They could look, fuck them.  
"Some protesters were causing confusion at the supermarket door, arguing, attacking each other.Serena tried to intervene and when they recognized her ... Well ..." He looks at me, but he can't hold my gaze.

"Where's Serena, Mark?" I try to say it as calmly as possible, but my breath is far from stable and my hands are shaking so much now that I can barely keep them holding my bag.

"She needed stitches...They are taking her to the room now.Do you want to see her?" I roll my eyes at the obvious answer and follow Mark into the hospital.

I practically lived in hospitals because of my mother.While many people were afraid of those extremely clean and white corridors...They gave me tranquility, made me calm in some way, and little by little I feel that my fingers have stopped moving without my commands.

Tuello stopped at the door of room, 312 and had the decency to wait outside while I entered, closing the door behind me.

She still wore the same clothes she went to work that day, brown tailoring pants with white stripes that looked quite dirty, the white satin blouse that also looked like it had been rolled on the ground...The heels were on the floor and looked like the only ones in good condition.

I didn't remember seeing Serena like that.Never.She looked smaller.Serena Joy was 5.8 feet tall but now...She looked smaller than me.Her hair was pulled back from her face in a ponytail, which allowed me to saw the bruises perfectly.There were 4 stitches on her left temple, her right cheek looked swollen and purple, there was also a bruise on her bare collarbone, but a lot less purple than her cheek.That must have been hurting like hell.

Serena was static.

This was no different from when Fred made those shits rip her finger off and I believed I could handle it.

"Hey." I say, dropping the bag on her bed and kneeling, so I can look into her eyes.Her eyes are opaque, they don't look like the baby blue sky that afternoon anymore.But she's fine, breathing, alive.I try not to let out a sigh of pathetic relief.

Serena just tilts her head in response.I sigh.God…I just want her to start another monolog about Fitzgerald or Dickens.She could fill my head with tales of Christmas and postwar youth elegance and recklessness.

"How are you feeling?" It's a stupid question, I know it is in the moment it leaves my mouth, but that doesn't stop me from asking while I take her two hands in mine.Her hands are cold and I don't really think about why I need to hold her so much.

Serena looks up and what I see is the tip of a smile pulling her mouth.

"I'm fine." She says, but how am I supposed to believe it when her face looks like a beet.

"What does " fine " mean?" Serena's smile grows a little, just enough for a spasm to travel over her face and she compresses her lips.  
"It means I am perfectly content, but also wouldn't mind if the sun would explode right now and killed us all." I shake my head negatively with a stupid smile and squeeze her fingers as if to make sure she is as real as she looks.

"You're an idiot." She shrugs.

"I try." I roll my eyes before looking at her again.She would need to make cold compresses to remove those bruises, which I used to do for Hannah when she got hurt in soccer.

"What exactly happened, Serena?" She takes a deep breath and looks at me with tiredness because she knows that regardless of what she says I will remain pissed.

"Some young people were doing a peaceful protest on the avenue and there was this man in the supermarket pharmacy who refused to sell a morning-after pill to a minor girl who was in that protest.I was entering the supermarket and I saw them arguing, I thought that it would be just another silly argument that would end with the young people leaving and the man following his life.But ... At some point, the man's son attacked one of the boys and several of them started to beat him... It was a horror June, it reminded me so much of Salvaging that I wanted to throw up. " She didn't have to say ... My hair was crawling just at the prospect of seeing that. "The staff called the security guards, and they were trying to stop the biggest fight, they didn't see that the boys were trying to reach the pharmacy man either.That's where I joined." I shake my head again.How Serena Joy was stupidly brave for things she shouldn't be. "I pulled the old man out of the pharmacy before the boys could get in, away from all that confusion, but they saw me.It was a girl who recognized me, when she pointed in my direction I knew I was... "She stops for a moment and touches her swollen cheek with her fingertips. "Well...I passed out at some point, I think when they threw the sharp thing that cut my temple...I don't know who called the ambulance." My hands release her hand that I still held and my breath comes out loud as I get up, crossing my arms over my chest.

"You will not do this, never again." Serena looks up at me, her eyes shine.I recognize that glow, I was walking on the ice trying to give her orders.

"I beg your pardon?" She raised a perfectly aligned eyebrow at me.Her eyes returned to their former vitality, but hard as ice.

"You are not going to go into protests trying to be the avenger Serena Joy you were before Gilead, taking shots on the belly and everything.If you haven't noticed, despite our accommodations, you are a war criminal!Quite well-known, by the way." It wasn't my intention to raise my voice, but before I could stop myself, my tone increased.She had to be careful.She knew she had.There were very dangerous people out there, people from Gilead, ordinary people who would give anything to have her head on a tray and Serena still acted like it was a goddamn walk in the park.

"Wait a minute, mom, you forgot:Homework on the table until 7 pm." Her voice drips irony as she gets up.I grind my teeth as I need to tilt my head up to look at her.

"You have a daughter at home." I know the words hit her deep, just like they did that night. "The next time you do some stupid shit, remember that." I didn't notice when my eyes started to water, but they were burning and moist.

"Hey, can I come in?" I look at the door with my best killer look and I can almost see Mark Tuello cringing.

"Sure, Mark." Serena replies, but her eyes are still on me and I can see them sparkle in contained fury.

"The doctor said you can go home, there was no concussion...And he gave you some pain medication." He has a sheet of paper printed in his hands when he approaches Serena.She takes the sheet and sighs.

"Thank you, Mark." She smiled at him and I rolled my eyes so hard that I believed faithfully that they could be stuck behind my head.

"Do you need a ride home?" I was fed up with this super nice, and kind, and cute, and gentleman behavior for a whole way home.

"I'm pretty sure we can take a cab.But thanks anyway, Mark." He looks to Serena for confirmation and I avoid the urge to roll my eyes again.

"It's okay, Mark." Tuello touches her shoulder before leaving, closing the door when he passes through the arch.

"Did you manage to pick up Holly?" I keep my tongue behind my teeth when the first sentence that pops into my head is "Oh now she remembers that she has a daughter".

"I asked Gloria to pick her up on my way here." The blonde nods slowly, her eyes locked on the floor.I take a deep breath.

"Angry, and half in love with her, and tremendously sorry, I turned away." One of Serena's favorite quotes from "The Great Gatsby". I frown at why the hell Fitzgerald is echoing that particular line in my head.I absolutely needed a few days to breathe.

"Let's go home, Serena." She opens her mouth to add something, but I'm already taking my bag and walking out of the room.

Once she was the one who was too angry to talk, preferring fists and screams...Today, it's me.But I prefer the silent treatment.

We didn't talk on the way home.I didn't want to talk.If she wanted to act like a child, I couldn't stop her.

"I'm going to make dinner.Can you catch Holly with Gloria?" I ask as I open the apartment door.Serena nods, saying absolutely nothing in addition.

I sigh for the thousandth time in that day and then head to the kitchen.It's only then that I remember that Serena should have bought things for dinner because we had to go grocery shopping this week.I take a deep breath not wanting to make Hannah eat pasta when she arrives with Luke.

I throw myself on the couch and start looking for nearby restaurants.

Serena walks in the door holding Holly, she was mumbling that afternoon.I could hear the noises in baby tongue just like Hannah used to do.Back when Hannah was that age I've never would have thought how many turns my life would take until I had another child.

She walks down the hall and doesn't look in my direction.

It's Japanese food my choice for the night, because I didn't believe my stomach was able to catch red meat after the many times I wanted to vomit throughout the day.

I lean my head against the back of the sofa and look at the ceiling.At least she's fine.That's what I think.

She’s an idiot....But she’s fine.

The knock on the door is what awakens me from my reverie and I push my body over the threshold.

"Mommie." Hannah says with a wide smile as she hugs my legs.My smile can be big as hers as I stroke her curly hair.

"Hey, Hannah Banana." She laughs playfully at me before entering the apartment without further ado, certainly running to the unfinished drawings she left on the table in the bedroom.Luke looks good, he's shaved and wears a shirt and pants.

He's the only one of us who still looks a bit like before.Even after I cut my hair again, back to the length of the nape, and started wearing my old clothes I still looked different, my face, my eyes didn’t seem right.Luke, on the other hand, is almost the same.

"I heard what happened...Is she okay?" He sounds sincere, not as ironic as Moira, so I don't mind answering.

I shrug.

"The bruises will stay for a few days, but, in general, the wounds were only superficial." Luke nods.Sometimes I just want to erase him, pretend I didn't hurt him.

He waited for me...And I came home with another woman and a child.It wasn't a loving betrayal because I never slept with Serena, I slept with Nick, but...It was still a betrayal, because I couldn’t kiss him anymore, couldn’t smell his skin, couldn’t touch him.Male smells now shivered the deepest point of my spine.His lips were so rough and his hands were so big. 

I couldn't.

Her smell and skin, however, didn't bother me.

Luke gave up when we tried to have sex again.When he tried to remove my pants I felt like I was going to vomit so badly that I ran to the bathroom.

I spent the night throwing up.

He gave up that same night.He might even keep telling Moira that he hadn't, but I knew he had.Luke didn't have to deal with my shit, he had a life and his daughter back.

The truth...No one in my old life could understand that...Only Serena.

"Are you two okay?" I frown and look at my husband who is not really my husband amymore.

"What do you mean?" Luke shrugs for a moment, but he forgets that I have known him for years.

"What is it, Luke?" I cross my arms and raise an eyebrow.I already knew what was coming next I don't even know why I asked.

"I just want to know what kind of behavior you are exposing my daughter to." I lock my jaw again and this time I'm pretty sure it's going to break in two.My cheeks start to get red and the heat is rising all over my chest.It was pure anger.

"Not that it's any of your business, Luke, but Serena and I don't have that kind of relationship and even if we did, you know me well enough to know that I wouldn't expose Hannah to anything." He's smiling now, that little scornful smile that I hated every time it came up in the middle of a fight.

"Do I know you? You were my straight wife and now you're living with Serena fucking Joy, like a damn happy dykes couple." I want to tell him to go fuck himself.I owed him nothing, not anymore.

I owed no one anything.

"Is everything okay, June?” I widen my eyes, and they fall to Serena beside me.I don't even notice her approaching.

"And the second dyke appears." Serena frowns and then lets a humorless laugh fill the place.

"Are you sure it was him you married? Really?" She turns her eyes back to Luke, watching him with that appraising look.The one that always made my legs fail when she directed it at me.Serena had a scary kind of intense eyes.Luke was a little taller than her, and yet I could feel he was uncomfortable. "Was it a lack of options?" She looks back at me with a raised eyebrow.Luke snorts and I try not to laugh. 

It wasn't a moment to laugh, Osborne.

"For fuck’s sake, you married Fred Waterford." Serena agrees, gently tilting her chin.

"One thing June and I have in common is a bad taste for men, apparently." I can see the blush take over Luke's face, I didn't know if it was shame or anger.

"I'm going to pick up Hannah on saturday morning." He looks directly at me when he says that, as if ignoring Serena she was just going to disappear.It didn't work for me, but He could try.

"Goodbye and good riddance." Serena says and Luke roll his eyes before turning around and leaving, stomping so hard that I believe the neighbors downstairs could hear him.

"How mature." I mock as I close the door and turn to Serena.

"You married a homophobic idiot, what did you expect me to do?" Serena sighs loudly and pulls her ponytail making her hair to fall down her back, like a cascade of gold threads.

"Luke is not like that." I never felt so stupid for defending my husband.Serena just raised an eyebrow again. "He's just angry." With me, in general.Serena was just in the middle of the crossfire. "Thank you anyway." She turns around.The mocking smile is on her mouth and I can't help but smile back.

"So I'm sorry for today." Her shoulders drop for a moment as she touches her waist at the back of the couch. "I didn't mean to worry you and it was really stupid of me to get into trouble, even if it was to help someone." I roll my eyes at her apologies that aren't exactly apologies.

"I'm sorry for what I said." Her eyebrows furrow slowly and I sigh.I knew I shouldn't use Serena's triggers to keep her safe inside the little bubble that was that apartment.It wasn't fair.Besides...I was also a war criminal, almost as wanted as her "You scared me and I said things I didn't mean." Serena shrugged, but I knew her better than that.I watched her cover the mutilated hand with the small support with the other hand.

"It takes two to make an accident." She quotes Fitzgerald with a slight twitch of lips and I wonder if she can read minds.

"I am the idiot who does stupid things.You are the smart one who quotes Fitzgerald and who dresses well for both of us." She is smiling wide now.I've seen that smile so few times on her mouth, mostly directed at Holly. "Don't change our dynamics without telling me, okay?I don't have any satin blouses in my wardrobe." She gets up again and starts walking towards her bedroom corridor.

"I can lend you some." She says over her shoulder.

"I ordered Japanese food." That's my answer when I sit on the couch again.

"So I hope you haven't drank all of our white wine." I narrow my eyes, even though she can't see.

She was the one who drank half of the bottle the last time.

Petty woman.


	3. One woman would another wed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And now the magic happens.

"Serena, we're going to be late." I scream in the hallway knowing that she can hear me from the shower. Serena was the queen of the long showers, the terror of the electric company. I wait for a moment and when there is no sound to indicate that she’s getting out I cannot avoid a sigh. "Eat everything, my love." My fingers run through Hannah's hair, and she just smiles at me with her teeth full of chocolate-flavored cereal.

I walk down the hall and knock on the door to Serena's bedroom, the one she shared with Holly. There is no answer, so I give myself the freedom to enter. Holly is in her crib, holding on to the bars.

Even the baby knows it's time to go and Serena doesn't.

"Are you going to melt in there?" That's what falls out of my mouth when I knock on the bathroom door. Serena lets out a low chuckle from inside the room.

"Can you grab me a towel?" She says and I roll my eyes again. She was the smart one of us, but not the one with the best memory.

The sound of the shower valve closing reaches my ears and I extend the towel to her when she opens the door, eyes on the floor. Why were my eyes on the floor? It was just Serena. I force my eyes up and for some reason, my ears are burning. Serena has the towel wrapped tightly around her body, her hair is wet, and she exhales heat and steam. She smells like honey and ... Wood ... It's really nice...I hadn't noticed how she smelled before.

"Sorry about my time, my alarm clock didn’t go off." She dodges my body and heads for the wardrobe, not at all disturbed that I see her only in a towel, still half wet from the shower.Okay, using Serena and wet in the same sentence was something I wouldn't do again.

Even the image disturbed me.

"It's okay, just get dressed quickly so you can have breakfast." It was my cue to leave the room, so I took long steps to the door before Serena decided it wasn't a big deal to change in front of me.

"Okay, thank you." She murmurs as I leave the room. However ... Before I can close the door I have a glimpse of her back. Serena had the most shapely back I had ever seen in a woman, with thin, arched shoulder blades ... Like the wings of an angel.Terrific back.

But what did I expect when the whole set ... For fuck's sake June Osborne.

I drag myself back to the kitchen, where Hannah is already finishing her cereal, and her chatter about school distracts me from what just happened.I can’t stop thinking that Serena would have the perfect body...If it weren’t for one of the fingers and...That scar in her arm.

It was just my body reacting to the first body it encountered for months in abstinence ... Just that. I wasn't gay. That didn't make me gay, not at all. But what did make someone gay?Or bi?

Serena enters the room with Holly, Holly's bag, and her purse.

"Good morning, Serena." Serena smiled and came over to place a kiss on Hannah's cheek.

"Good morning, Hannah." Serena and Hannah were something I would never understand. Hannah remembered Gilead ... Sometimes she still woke up in the middle of the night believing she was there, just like I did, just like Serena did. Yet, as soon as we all started our sessions with the psychologist, the first thing the doctor told me about Hannah was that she really liked Serena. She knew she had been a wife, knew what that meant, and really didn't care. Maybe we had a lot to learn from children about forgiveness ... Or maybe she remembered that night more than I would have liked.

Serena puts the baby chair down next to her and I can't help but pinch Holly's cheeks gently. She was getting fatter and brighter every day, a little cherub.

We wait for Serena to have a quick cup of coffee before we leave the apartment.

I lock the door while Serena gets out of the car. She was a better driver than me, so I usually let her drive. We left Hannah at school first, and she said goodbye to each one with a kiss on the cheek. She was doing well, considering that she had lost a few years because of Gilead's education system. Serena didn't mind staying until late at night explaining fractions to her ... She was more patient than I was for that.

We also leave Holly in the daycare. Every day the same look is on Serena's face as if a piece of her was torn off when she hands our little girl over to one of the women at the institution. I had forgotten what it was like to be a first-time mother and it was funny to watch Serena being one.

With the kids at school, we headed downtown, towards Tuello's office. It was one of those moments during the day when my mind wandered.

Serena drove, I watched her fingers move around the steering wheel or drum on the rhythm of some music coming from the radio. It was soothing although what happened early that morning...Still calming.

"Good morning, Ms.Osborne, Ms.Joy." Rachel has a warm smile. She is one of those girls who were born to work with people, her smile is wide and her face is full of freckles. She has a childlike confidence.

"Good morning darling." Serena greets as she takes off the overcoat she's wearing and hangs it on one of the hooks behind Rachel.

"Good Morning." I'm not wearing a coat. It was relatively hot today, I don't even know why Serena brought a coat.

The fourth floor is where the magic happens. Serena has a laptop, some notebooks, and a pen case perfectly arranged on her desk. The coffee machine is closer to hers, for obvious reasons. She was quitting smoking and the coffee helped.

There is Tuello's desk that was the one with the back to the big windows in Toronto downtown and then mine. The feeling of sitting behind a desk again and working was so good that I still had no words to describe it ... It was unreal.

My desk wasn't a source of pride. I was never an organized and methodical person, at least not as much as Serena. There are notes and post-its scattered on the wood and my laptop is still open on the last Serena’s paragraphs I was editing.

"I wouldn't be surprised if they found a homeless family under those notes." Serena scoffs when I start rummaging through my mess. I just look at her with my best "Fuck you" look.

She's wearing a pink blouse this morning. The color goes well with her skin. The sun was right on that side of the room during the morning which made Serena looks like she was shining.

Shit Osborne. What the hell is wrong with you today?

Serena sits behind her desk and immediately reaches for her glasses. She needed them just like Emily, but in Gilead, women didn't need glasses, because glasses help with reading and women don't need to read. That could be the meaning of freedom too. Being able to put on your glasses to read whatever you want.

"Serena, June, good morning." Tuello entered the room so suddenly that I had to blink a few times to get used to his presence. Serena crosses her arms across the table, waiting for him to speak. I pull my laptop close. "I think I won't be able to stay here today, I have some meetings with the United States intelligence team, mainly regarding the possibility of you launching a new book, Serena." I frown and my eyes fall on the blonde again, more specifically, on the stitches on her temple. It had been a few days and the swelling on her cheek was almost invisible now, but the stitches were there.

A book would be putting her in the spotlight again. Bringing attention. It was more than writing a few short speeches, little things that would be sent to Gilead, or to private meetings between commanders and Canadians. Anything Serena wrote would become as famous as her old one, not just because she was a great writer, but because people wanted to know.

It was something I noticed in our first few weeks in Canada. People could pretend they had no interest in the horrific details that came from within Gilead ... But they wanted to know. There were pages and pages on the internet just about the various speculations about what happened inside, there were shows transmitted during the early hours on TV dedicated to that. The people had this morbid curiosity towards the dictatorship that lived next door.

A book would be the kick-start for everyone to really realize that an ex-wife was living in Canada. That one in the video could be anyone according to tabloid speculators...Until now.

Gilead's best-known wife. What would that do to the people's spirits?

"Do you think this is safe?" That's what I ask as Tuello hurries to put some documents and the laptop into his briefcase.

"We are not sure of anything yet, June ... Not even what we want Serena to write about, that's why the meetings." He slips the briefcase around his neck and starts to walk away again. Someone hadn't set the alarm either. "But don't worry, I would never allow anything to pass unless it was completely safe for Serena." He looks at her for just a few seconds and I roll my eyes. Tuello would have to stop being so obvious. Serena just smiles in that polite way she always took in front of Mark.Ew. "Of course, yours too, June." A fake smile takes over my mouth when Mark turns his eyes to me. "Well ... I'll be back at the end of the afternoon at the latest. And June, don't bother sending me the last few paragraphs, I won't have time to read it anyway." He reaches the door. "Bye, girls." I nod, trying not to roll my eyes. Serena responds with a brief "Bye" but her eyes are already on the laptop.

I wait for him to close the door to wrap some papers in a little ball and throw it where his head used to be. Serena raises an eyebrow at my very mature reaction.

"This guy is a pain in the ass." She shakes her head negatively while looking at me.

"If it weren't for Mark, we would be at some refugees center waiting for Canadian documents that couldn't come for weeks. He gave us an apartment and a job, June." She argues and this time I can't help but roll my eyes.

"Oh sure, and he did it all because he has a great heart." Serena frowns as if asking where this conversation is going. "If he got down on his knees and licked your feet it wouldn't be so obvious." The blonde stops for a second and really looks at me as if she's pondering.

"Get back to work, June." She says, rolling her eyes and not exactly answering my question. I snort before opening the document of Serena's new article, ready to cut out any and all elaborate hyperbole she has put into it.

We worked on Serena's new article all morning and most of the afternoon. This was an important one, it could be taken to one of the next negotiations between Gilead and Canada and contained a series of simple demands to make women's lives there in the country most bearable.

Serena ordered a salad for lunch and I ate a hamburger. Our eating habits couldn't be more different.

It started to rain at 2 pm. I raised my eyes to the windows and the thick, violent drops that fell. The moment I understood why Serena brought a coat, she always read the time section in the newspaper. God ... I lived with a 60-year-old nerd.

"I'm going to take these forms to Rachel downstairs. Do you want me to bring your coat?" Serena has a cup of coffee between her fingers, a pen in her right hand and her eyes are on the laptop, but she nods.

"Yes, thank you." I take the elevator and go down the 4 floors to the first floor. Rachel was reading a fashion magazine when I put the forms on her counter.

"Hey." She greeted while picking up the leaves.

"Hey. Can you get Serena's coat for me?" The girl smiles and nods before turning and picking up the brown overcoat. She hands it in my hands and immediately the smell of honey and wood enters my nostrils. How she managed to keep that smell I had no idea. I smile at Rachel when I realize that I was statically staring at the coat for a few seconds.

"Thanks." And I go back to the elevator. It's a damn impulse that makes me stick my nose against Serena's coat. It smells good. It smells like her. What was worse?

What the hell June Osborne. I shake my head negatively.

A lot of times.

Tuello returned to the office at 3:30 pm. I knew the exact time because Hannah was leaving school at 4:00 pm and I needed to pick her up.

He came through the doors like a hurricane what made Serena and I take our eyes off our laptops to look at him.

"Oh, good. I thought I wouldn't get you two together. Great. There is something I want to discuss with you two." I press my lips together as he moves across the room with his quick steps to sit behind his desk. "Please, Serena, June." He points to the two chairs in front of his table and I raise a doubtful eyebrow at Serena. She shrugs. It was her silent way of saying that she didn't know what was happening either.

"Did the meetings with the intelligence team go well? Do they want me to write a book?" Serena takes the words out of my mouth before I can say them. I look at her crossing her long legs for a brief moment before heading back to Tuello.

"Yes and yes." He answers and I try to avoid the sigh. I didn't think it would be a good idea.And I still thought the same. "The entire intelligence team thinks it would be very interesting for you to write a book not only about the experiences in Gilead but also about the politics, the hierarchy, the way the country works. It would be very useful to have someone who lived under the regime writing about it, informing people. There are still large groups, both in Canada and abroad, who faithfully believe that Gilead is a role model. Not to mention people who don't even believe that Gilead is a problem. " There were ignorant people in the world and there were those who chose ignorance. I wonder which group these people would fit into. That place needed to fall ... At any price.

"What about Serena's safety?" It came out of my mouth, too fast, faster than I anticipated. I can feel the blonde's eyes on me, her eyebrows come together in doubt. Tuello also looks at me, but there is a certain understanding in his eyes. "Getting Serena to write another book will put her in a direct line with people like those who attacked her at the supermarket. Is there a plan for that?" An effective plan that didn't involve locking Serena in a dark bunker to write. I should have been more specific.

After Gilead became my past I could no longer take away anyone's freedom, even if it was for their own good.

"That was the real point that I would like to discuss with you two." I feel Serena's gaze leave my face and turn to Tuello. "So..." Tuello sighed and crossed his hands on the table." We think it would be good for your image and for Serena's safety that you take on a public relationship." I furrowed my eyebrows until they almost came together.

"You mean as friends?" Tuello pursed his lips.

"As romantic partners, June." I let out what was the beginning of a laugh trying to break the thin ice that had been formed.But it wasn't a joke...He wasn't laughing.

"You gotta be kidding.No one will buy the idea that Serena and I are a couple." Tuello raised his eyebrows and his eyes landed on Serena for longer than I thought necessary.

"My assistant asked if you were dating today after you took her coat from reception. " I opened my mouth ready to answer but I realized that I didn't have a witty reply to throwback and my ears were suddenly hot.

Serena's eyes slide to me again and I close mine for a brief moment. I would have to choke Rachel later.

"I will not pretend to be in a relationship, Tuello. We are not 15 years old anymore." I replied, incredibly surprised by Serena's lack of answers, she seemed very quiet indeed, very quiet for a woman who usually doesn't shut up.

"Do you prefer situations like this to keep happening?" Mark raised an eyebrow in the air as he pointed to Serena's stitches and I rolled my eyes.

"Since when will being in a relationship with me improve anything in Serena's situation?" This idea was so absurd that I didn't know how the woman beside me was not as worried as I was.

"You are a martyr, June." Tuello said simply and I held on to not roll my eyes again. "You left Gilead. You brought your daughters and managed to convert their most powerful wife to our side. Do I need to say more?" I sighed and rubbed my temples hard enough to hurt. I didn't convert Serena. I forgave Serena. This was very different. Everything was very different from what he thought, everything we did that night… Everything she did. "If they know that she’s your girlfriend, wife, in short, anything that links her directly to you, we believe that people will lower their attacks a bit, including those on the Internet ..." That was another problem, since that physical attack in the supermarket, people really started to create pages on the internet for the sole purpose of saying how horrible Serena Joy was and how she deserved every single thing that happened to her. Bunch of suckers.

I internalize Tuello's words. Serena as my girlfriend, as my wife. I want to laugh, but I also want to freak out.

"People admire you June." He finished the little monolog which made me look at him again and question myself who was the sadist in his intelligence team who had suggested that.

"How would that work?" I said it again very quickly and I could feel Serena's gaze fix on me with those frightened lamb eyes.

"You go to events together, hold hands, pose for photos together, interviews for Serena's book, things like that.It would be good for you to act like a couple in your day by day as well but that’s up to you." He takes the laptop out of the briefcase and opens it. "We’re thinking of announcing the book while you work on it, maybe in a month. The intelligence team wants great weight and publicity about it. The more people support this project ... The greater the chance that we can take it to Europe and make Europeans aware of the problem we have a few kilometers from here. " I feel the air leaving my lungs, slowly. That ... That was ridiculous.

I told my husband or ex-husband three days ago that I wasn’t in a relationship with Serena. Now I would be in a fake relationship with Serena.

I already shared an apartment with her. She was my daughter's other mother.Not a big deal, right?

But there were points to consider. We went through a lot and we were fine living this shared life for now ... At least I was able to sleep a few nights a week. What an even more intimate relationship would bring I couldn't predict.

I could only hope that we wouldn't start attacking each other again, for the children's sake.

My psychologist was grateful for the great job we were taking her.

"I'm in ... If June agrees." My head turns to look at her. It wasn't just me who now had a certain obsession with the word freedom.

"I'm not kissing you." It's stronger than me making a joke at that moment of extreme tension. At the heart of each joke is a grain of truth.Serena shares my spirit and a small smile appears in the corner of her mouth when she speaks again.

"And who said I want to kiss you?" A laugh comes out of my mouth, and I am grateful that my hair is covering my ears because they are hot again. This is ridiculous, I think. This is so ridiculous.

Shit. It's Serena.

"Well ... that was easier than I thought." For a moment I forgot that Tuello was in the room and I look at him again.

"Can we tell our friends that this is all fake?" It's not like I have a lot of friends now or even Serena.

"Well ... if you trust them enough to keep that secret." I didn't. Moira would say I was crazy and spread it to half the refugee center, her best friend wasn't eating Serena Joy, for all intents and purposes.

"I'm going to get Hannah and Holly." I said instead. "I'll be back in half an hour and we can go home and discuss this." Serena nods and smiles at me. I didn't understand the smile, but I smiled back as a reflex.

In the car, the only thing on my mind was a passage from Shakespeare. Serena made me read a lot of sonnets after she found out that I had only read Romeo and Juliet.

"Were kisses all the joys in bed, One woman would another wed."

Ah ... Shakespeare is turning in his grave. If it weren't for that little quote I wouldn't be thinking about what it would be like to sleep with Serena.

Shit.

This had to be the highlight of how my life got screwed.

I was Serena Joy's girlfriend.And I probably had the hots for her.


	4. Something I still couldn't name

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More family dynamics because I'm in love with them all together

"And then George jumped on Patrick, and they got hurt really badly. The principal said that nobody can go to the playground for a week now." Hannah cross her arms and makes a lovely pout that only a child of her age could do.

"What a shrew." Serena comments as she wipes the corner of my daughter's red sauce-soaked mouth with her napkin.

"I know, right?" I shake my head negatively as I get back to my daily battle of trying to feed Holly without making a mess.

"She is restless, she took it from you." I narrow my eyes in Serena's direction, and she just shrugs.

"She's extremely stubborn too, do you want to know who she got it from?" Serena compresses her lips before smiling slowly.

"Do you want me to finish giving it to her so you can put Hannah to sleep?" It wasn't a bad idea, but my hands were already covered in baby food and vegetables anyway.

"She'll behave now, won't she, Hollie?" I pout when I take the spoon back to her mouth and smile when the baby smiles at me. She had my eyes. I loved that Hannah looked so much like Luke, but having a mini me was proving to be a very interesting experience too.

"You can put me to sleep, Serena." I look up and frown. Hannah would be the first to beg to stay up a few more minutes while I feed Holly. But my daughter is already getting up and walking around the table, taking Serena's hand and making her stand up. The blonde looks at me with a mild doubt in her eyes, as if wondering if that was okay.

Freedom. Freedom was the most important thing in this new world.

"Go." I whisper as I return to my complex activity. Serena shrugged as Hannah pulled her hand into our room. She started talking about school again ... This conversation would go far.

I continue to feed Holly and I can see that she is getting tired, her eyes are heavy, and she is starting to get impatient to sleep. My fingers wrap around her plump body and I support her between my shoulder and neck in order to burp her. I could joke and say that Holly was agitated and stubborn, but she was quiet enough to be honest. Hannah at her age cried for everything, I used to walk into the house without shoes because even the sound of my sneakers could wake her up and the screams would start.Holly doesn't bother with noises, she sleeps easy most of the time and is a smiling baby. They are perfect.

I had such perfect daughters.

I walk to Serena's room as I rock her in my arms. I didn't like putting her to sleep right after a meal but I couldn't resist her watery eyes from sleep. I mumble some songs, even though I'm pretty sure that Holly prefers Serena's voice over mine. I also did. She sleeps quickly and when I put her in the crib she is already snoring. I can't help but smile as I touch her tummy. What I wouldn't do to see my family in peace and quiet like that?

When I leave the room I can hear giggles from the other side of the apartment. My eyes close for a brief moment and I keep that feeling. I didn't need to keep memories or feelings like that to feed me later, but old habits are the most difficult to leave.

My feet take me to my bedroom and I lean against the doorway as I watch Serena tell Hannah a story, it seemed very interesting by the way my daughter was interested. She wasn't even blinking.

"And then Icarus and Daedalus flew out of their prison window. The wings worked very well, and they flew away from the island where King Minos said they would stay forever, wherever their wings could take them. But Daedalus said to Icarus about not flying too close to the sun, do you remember that? " Hannah nods greedily. "Icarus didn't listen to his father, the sky was so beautiful and the wind on his wings was so good that he decided he needed to fly higher and further." Hannah opens her mouth in a perfect terrified expression. "He flew further and further until ..." She stops for a moment and I have to cover my mouth to stifle my laughter at her dramatic pause. "Until the wax started to melt from his arms." Hannah also covers her mouth, but it is total horror at what will happen to her character. "He screamed for his father, but his father was far away, so close to the ocean. Icarus was losing feathers and feathers, he was going to fall into the ocean and at that point where he was it would be like falling to the ground itself." She knew how to tell a good story, that I had to give her credit for. "And then when Icarus was about to hit the water." She pauses again and looks at Hannah with a smile. "A winged horse appeared out of the clouds and quickly put Icarus on his back." Hannah raises her arms in the air in silent celebration as she waits for the rest of the story. "Icarus, Daedalus and their winged horse, Pegasus went far, where King Minos could never find them and had a very peaceful life creating things and always trying to never walk too much in the sun." Hannah chuckles and I smile wide this time.

"Hey, mommie." She waves at me and Serena turns around with wide eyes, finally aware of my presence. "Serena was telling me about the story of a man who made wings. Do you want to hear?" I approach, unable to get the pathetic smile out of my mouth.

"I would love to, but I think it's time for you to sleep." Hannah pouted, but didn't complain when I pulled the blanket up to her neck. "Have sweet dreams, banana." I leave a kiss on her forehead and smell the soap that her skin exudes. It was familiar. It was home.

"Good night, mommie." She says. "Good night, Serena." Serena leans over to place a kiss on my little girl's cheek.

"Good night, Hannah." I leave the lamp on and turn off the light before we walk out the door and close behind me.

"I wash.You dry?" She asks, her steps light as she walks into the kitchen. I nod and follow her to the sink.

We do our work in silence. Even though there is a lot to say.

I never imagined that Serena's presence would ever be comforting ... But that's what she is now. Knowing that she's there, even though just washing the dinner plates makes my head lighter. One day ... One day ... I would still have time to ... Analyze all the feelings I had towards her, the ones from before, the ones from now ... But for now, while we have two daughters to take care of, a job that demands our effort and an apartment to maintain, it's not something that really worries my mind. In Gilead, I had too much time to think ... Thinking too much wasn't always a good thing.

“What do you think about it?” Serena is the one who breaks our comfotable silence.

“About being your fake girlfriend?” She pass me another plate and I can see the irony on her eyes in face of the obviouness.

“No June, about wax wings.” She mocks and I roll my eyes.

“You changed the story.” I afirm and Serena just shrugs.

“I don’t think that a boy falling from the sky into the ocean and then dying is good story for children.” I twist my lips in agreement.

"What do you think, smart one?" Serena shrugs and then she sighs. Her shoulders drop and for a moment it seems that all the weight in the world is there. I always thought Serena was a professional thinker. She thought a lot and never said what was going on inside her mind...I should be used to it by now.

"You don't have to do this if you don't want to." She hands me the last plate. I place it on the counter to look at her.

"I wouldn't agree if I didn't want to." Serena takes a long breath and then I notice when she starts holding her lower lip between her teeth.My eyes locked on that gesture for a moment.It felt like a whole hour.

"We managed to maintain a stable coexistence, June ... I don't want to break this by making your hatred for me arise." I frown. What? Serena's eyes leave mine and fall to her hands. I tilt my head. I need her to look at me. "I ... I'm going to sleep. Have a good night." She wiped her hands and then left with such quick steps that I was still staring at the place where she was 2 minutes later.

Serena thought I still hated her.

Shit.

What's wrong with this woman making things easier for me?

_"Come with us." Serena's eyes widen. She looks at me. She really looks at me as if she had never looked before and I think I went too far.I should get out of there with my daughter as soon as possible and try to cross the border. Leave her behind to suffer the consequences of her own shit. But ... I didn't. The words flew out of my mouth faster than I could have predicted and the answer given to me was just a pair of baby blue eyes, watery and questioning. Why? They asked without saying a word._

_"My place is here." She murmured, the sounds were increasing, boots hitting the streets outside. Guardians everywhere, a house on fire. I didn't know how the Marthas did it, but they did._

_"They will kill you if they know you let us go." Serena pursed her lips and I could almost see a small smile tug at her mouth as she looked at Holly._

_"Do you think I deserve less ... After all?" She could desserve worse. But I was a damn stubborn person._

_"I will not be blamed for the death of my daughter's other mother. Come with us." I reached out with my free hand, pressing Holly's tiny body against my chest. The word "mother" touches her deeply. I knew it would. Serena Joy had triggers so predictable that it would be impossible for me not to know. The Martha behind me looked at the whole situation as if I had lost my mind and maybe I did._

_What handmaid would you like to take a wife on her escape? What the fuck are you doing Osborne? My head screamed so loudly I felt dizzy._

_My hand started to get cold in the night air and for a brief moment I thought no. She wouldn't come. She wouldn't take my hand._

_But then Serena grabbed my fingers with her mangled hand so hard that I thought she might break my joints. Her eyes lit up and what I recognized was fear._

_"Okay, we're going." I mumbled more to myself than to Serena. I couldn't believe that she actually held my hand. I reached out Holly to the Martha, and she took the baby, extending her hand right after, I grabbed it tightly._

_I went up and held out my hand to Serena who looked over her shoulder one last time before grabbing it._

_"I'm not leaving without Hannah." I say to the driver. I can feel Serena's eyes behind me as she presses Holly against her chest, I can feel the vibrations that come from Emily. She’s hating me so much now._

_"Miss ... My orders are to take you to the border and that's it." The man constantly looks back. They probably already knew that something was going on, that fire couldn’t have been born out of nothing._

_"You don't understand ... I'm not going without my daughter." The man presses his lips together. I knew I was delaying us, precious minutes we wouldn't have again._

_"Miss ... If you don't get in the truck now, I'll take the other women and you'll have to stay." I look at Serena. My chest compresses to a point that I didn't think was possible as tears welled up in my eyes. I couldn't leave her in that place. I just couldn't. If she wasn't going, I wouldn't._

_"If you take the fifth street route ... We will pass in front of Commander MacKenzie's house. We get in, pick up the girl and get out." I look at Serena in surprise ... How she knew routes to get out of town is the first thing that goes through my head but Hannah is more important. I turn my gaze to the man and I beg without words._

_"You will have 5 minutes. I can't be more late than that." I would have kissed his feet if I could._

_"Thank you." I whisper before pulling Serena by the free arm into the truck. Emily is pretty quiet. She doesn't say a word, but her disgusted look at Serena says more than I needed to hear. "Thank you." I whisper again, this time is for Serena. She doesn't hear or if she does...She remains silent._

_The truck stopped in front of a huge, dimly lit house, only the kitchen light at the back was on._

_"5 minutes." The man announced and my eyes fell on Serena. I don't know exactly why. She nodded and before we could think twice she jumped from the back of the truck and I followed her. I should have told her to leave Holly with Emily, but she wouldn't. My heart is beating in my ears. We can get out of this place. All of us._

_I have to believe that we can._

_The Mackenzie Martha is in the kitchen, and she almost faint when she sees us at the door. I get into the house._

_"I just came to get my daughter." I clarify and the woman pales for a moment. "Don't try to stop me." Because no one would stop me from taking Hannah this time. Not this time._

_I go up the stairs, two steps at a time. It's not difficult to find her bedroom, it's the one with drawings on the door. She is sleeping ... So quiet. She isn’t t aware of what is happening in the world outside. If I could simply erase all her memories of that time._

_I get into her little room and crouch beside her bed, my fingers run through her curly hair. I don't think, not really._

_"Banana, it's time to go." I say. Her eyes open. Hannah always had such a light sleep._

_"Mommie." She whispers and tears flow freely down my face as she jumps out of bed and grabs my neck. I hold her against my body, her little figure._

_There was a time I thought I’d never see her again. They won’t take my daughter again. Never._

_"We are leaving here." My voice sounds broken and a little too loud for my sobs. It doesn’t matter._

_"Really?" She asks quietly. Her eyes are shining._

_"Really." And I get up with my girl in my arms. Serena is looking at both of us and just nods quickly when I shake my head in affirmation._

_We leave Hannah's bedroom and that’s when I can see the figure of another woman in blue in the hall._

_Ms.MacKenzie._

_My heart stops in my chest and my hands start to tremble again._

_Please...Don’t._

_"Serena?" They face each other. Two wives. One is running away with a handmaid._

_"You have to let us go, Mary." I swallow hard. We were running out of time. We had to get out of there. I press Hannah's head against my neck. I wouldn't let her go this time, ever again._

_"Are you running away?" She sounds so surprised. As if Gilead was so perfect. As if no one tried to escape every day and was killed or hanged on The Wall._

_"If you have any love for this child, you have to let us go." I notice when she holds Holly to her chest too. What would happen if the guardians ... The angels reach us here? What would happen to our girls? What would happen to us?_

_"I never thought I would hear anything like that from you." Nor did I think she would let me take our daughter away. People can really surprise you, Ms. Mackenzie._

_"I won’t let my daughter grow up in a place where someone's finger will be taken off for reading." My eyes fall to Serena's bandaged hand and another knot forms in my stomach._

_Not another finger this time. Probably a rope around the neck. She was risking everything._

_Ms.Mackenzie approaches quickly. For a moment I cringe with Hannah. She won't take her away from me. No one will._

_However ... The wife just puts a kiss on the top of my daughter's head. She looks at Serena and then at me before whispering._

_"May God guide you” I want to kneel and cry again. But Serena seems to realize how it hit me hard because she grabs my arm with her mangled hand, she has an iron grip, and pulls me down the stairs._

_There was a boat on the shore. We just had to cross the river. Just cross the river, and we would be at one of the points that received most refugees in Canada. Just cross the river._

_I could hear dogs barking. Sirens in the distance. They knew. They knew we were here._

_"I can drive." Serena handed Holly into Emily's arms. Not without giving her a look that would be worth a thousand death threats. She pushed the boat and waited for us to be inside to untie the ropes and then go to the engine. I didn't know how she knew how to drive a boat but that was the least of our problems. Serena managed to start the engine and when the boat started to move I had hope._

_We could cross the river. It wasn't long. We could do that._

_There were boats. Boats with sirens, boats with very bright lights. Serena accelerated as fast as she could. I covered Hannah's ears when the shots started. She was crying softly and I believe that the moisture in my face wasn't water either. Just a few more meters. We would be far from this nightmare. Just a few more meters. Please, God ... Just a few more meters._

_Everything happened so ... So fast. In one second Serena was on the engine and in the next she was on top of me and Hannah, pushing us with her own body weight down on the boat. I hit my head against the metal plates on the bottom.That hurt like hell. My mind was bubbling for a few seconds, my vision blurred, and in that moment I heard the shot. It sounded too close. Something dripped on my face and it took me a few seconds to understand it was blood ... Serena's blood._

_"Serena?" My tears were coming out so fast now I could barely see. Even without the pain in the back of my head._

_"I'm sorry, June. For everything." Her voice...It’s like she lost all the intensity she ever had.I pushed her up and she groaned in pain. I couldn't think. Serena had been shot. Serena had been shot in my place._

_"Shit." It was the only thing I heard Emily say before she pushed us aside, pushing Holly in my empty arm, and took over the engine. There's a stain spreading across Serena's blue outfit ... Soon it will look as red as mine._

_"We have to stanch the blood." I tell nothing and no one. Emily doesn't look at me as she tries to beat the last few meters. Hannah is clinging to my neck, her sobs are silent and I try to find an order in all of that._

_My hands are shaking. Fuck._

_I needed to do something. Anything._

_"We will make it." I fit next to Serena. Her eyes are wide open and thin tears are streaming. Her eyes look like stars with all those blinding lights._

_" I'm so sorry." The blonde whispers, a spasm runs through her body, and she compresses her lips before pressing her hand to her arm, very close to her shoulder. Probably where the bullet was._

_"Shh ..." I try. And then I touch my forehead to hers. I couldn't touch her with two children in my arms, not with my hands. But there had to be a way of giving her some kind of comfort. She saved my life. She saved my daughters' lives. "I never thought blue was your color anyway." Serena closes her eyes, but there is a painful smile on her mouth. "We are going to do this, Serena." More shots sound somewhere. My lips slide over her forehead, it's damp and a little hot. "We are gonna save our daughters." She looks at me and there is nothing that can describe that look but devotion._

_It’s one of those moments she looks at me with such purity that I can’t even breath.If the world wasn’t ending I think I could have kissed her._

_"Thank you." It was what she whispered before her eyes trembled and then...No longer opened._

_"Serena." My voice sounds horrible, hoarse and so broken. "Serena!" It's almost a scream now. There's a bump on the boat that almost takes my tongue off. There are people taking us off. There are cameras and flashes. I just want to get to her. "SERENA." There are people in white taking her away, my head is heavy, but I can't let them take her. "Don't touch her, your pigs." I try to reach her and the flashes and lights blind me. That's not Gilead. It can't be Gilead with so many cameras._

_"Miss." A woman holds me by the shoulders, and I am tempted to kick her to get to Serena. She's being placed on a white stretcher. Her clothes are soaked with blood. "Miss ... You are in Ontario." My eyes stray from Serena for a single moment, going back to what that woman is telling me ... We were in Ontario._

_That meant ... That meant we made it._

_My knees finally fail after all and I hold my daughters close to me._

_We did it. And we only did it because of Serena. "_

I open my eyes, and they stare at the dark ceiling of the bedroom. I breathe, once, twice, three times ... Until I can locate myself again. Serena is on the other side of the kitchen with Holly. We're here.

She still believed that I hated her. She had no idea that the moment she handed me Holly that night, without thinking about all the consequences, I forgave her for everything. And at the moment she saved my life and my daughters’ something else came up.

Something I still couldn't name.

Or maybe I could and just didn't have the courage yet.


	5. Is it all we've ever been?

"Our video is trending again" That's what I say when she shows up in the kitchen wearing flannel sweatpants and a Star Wars print shirt. She has the newspaper of the day in her hands. Her hair is tied up in a messy bun and her face looks wrinkled with sleep, but the glasses are already there. The stitches looked much better, maybe on Monday or Tuesday she could take them off.

It was Saturday morning. Which meant Luke was coming to pick up Hannah for the weekend, and we didn't have to go to the office. It was a free day.

"Again?" She rolls her eyes while pouring herself a mug of coffee.

"People are still wondering who is the wife who ran away from Gilead and some are already speculating because of your little act in the supermarket." She looks at me over her shoulder before sitting on the chair opposite mine.

"I already apologized for that and I will not apologize again." She crosses her legs and opens the newspaper.

Would I ever think of the imposing Ms. Waterford reading the newspaper with a badly made bun and a R2-D2 shirt? No. Not even in my most ironic dreams would my imagination go that far.

"Holly?" I ask as I go through the trending topics on twitter once again.

"Still sleeping like a rock." She takes a sip from the coffee mug and looks at me over the lens, her eyes look more blue in the morning light. "What?" She asks, her brow furrows slightly and I just shrug.

"Just thinking that this shirt looked good on you." Serena looks down and when she notices the pattern her cheeks take on a slight shade of red. She takes the mug to her mouth again, probably to try to disguise it. I knew her better than that.

"Your lover must be coming soon." She says, looking at the living room watch before looking back at the newspaper. The politics session was always the first one she read.

"My lover?" I ask, trying to keep my laugh behind my teeth.

"If I'm your girlfriend, he's your lover." I roll my eyes in a very dramatic way.

"You are my fake girlfriend and for all intents and purposes you would be the lover because I'm still legally married." Serena rolls her eyes too, much more dramatically than I do. She stretches her long neck before looking at me.

"You better get a divorce, I don't accept being second choice, not even in a fake relationship." I try to take this threat seriously, but I can't and I shake my head negatively as a laugh falls from my lips.

She had a point though. I needed a divorce. Not only because of the fake relationship ... but also because I didn't want to be married to Luke anymore. It was great to be able to not want something anymore.

"Do you think Tuello can get the papers for me?" I don't look up when I feel her look at me, really surprised.

"I can text him." I nod and finish the rest of my mug. Talking about the divorce with Luke would be another thing that would make my head weak ... But that would be matter to think about later. 

"I'm going to wake up Hannah get her ready. If Luke arrives, don't kill each other." I watch Serena's smile widen as I walk away to my bedroom.

"I don't promise anything." I roll my eyes and approach the bed. Hannah is still asleep, her face is sunk into the pillow.

"Hey, banana, time to wake up." I touch her hair, curling my fingers in her curls. Hannah stretches and complains in a language I don't quite understand. "Shower ... Time to shower." I say as I sink my face into her neck, tickling my breath. Hannah laughs and laughs more as I start poking the sides of her little body.

"Mommie!" She complains as she curls up more in the blankets.

"Don't even think about it ... Your father must be arriving by now." Hannah rolls her eyes, cross her arms and tilts her chin. God… She was imitating Serena.

"I wanted to stay here with you and Holly and Serena." She pouts and I can't help but smile as I caress her face.

"You come back tomorrow, banana, and we can do something nice. The four of us." She smirks and I frown.

"We can go to the movies." A smile comes to my mouth as I ruffle her hair.

"Yes we can." Hannah smiles too and finally walks with me to the bathroom. I put her in the tub with hot water and start packing her backpack. I leave the bathroom door open to keep an eye on her in the meantime.

I was putting a jacket into Hannah's backpack, just in case we got rain when I heard the knock on the apartment door. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath before walking to the bathroom to finish Hannah's bath, praying so that Serena and Luke didn’t wage war in the living room.

I put a cartoon shirt on Hannah and tied her hair in a ponytail. I kissed her forehead when I finished, and she smiled at me through the dressing table mirror. Sometimes ... Small moments like that made my heart beat faster with the slightest possibility of not having it again.

"Go see your father, banana." She jumped off the stool and ran into the living room. I waited a moment before following her, genuinely afraid of what I might find.

Luke was sitting on one of the sofas and Hannah was already on his lap. Serena was on the other, legs crossed and a smile that I couldn't quite identify the meaning on her mouth.

"Hey, Luke." I greeted with a smile, leaving Hannah's backpack on the coffee table. He smiled back. Luke looked less nervous than the last time he was in our apartment for the sake of Hannah and Serena's easily explosive temper.

"We're going to the park, mommie." Hannah announced with a huge smile. I still had some thoughts with the people who lived inside that apartment going to too many public places, but again I couldn't arrest Hannah ... Or Serena inside those 4 walls just because I was afraid.

Everyone had some fear at some point.

"This is very good, Hannah." I walk into the kitchen and I can feel Luke's gaze on me and Serena's as well. God… How disconcerting it was. "Luke, would you like coffee?" I was opening one of the cabinets to pick up Hannah's cereal.

"Don't worry, June ... Serena offered it to me." I turned to both of them and raised an eyebrow at the blonde who just shrugged. "But ... Erin is waiting outside, we are going to a coffee shop nearby." I nod as he stands with Hannah in his arms. "Well ... I think we're going." I take them to the door and this time there are no harsh words from my future ex-husband, just a small smile and a wave.

I thank him silently for keeping things away from Hannah. She had been through a lot ... She didn't have to worry about her parents' screwed up life.

"I didn't kill him, see?" Serena said taking a last sip from her coffee mug and then getting up to wash it in the sink.

"I'm happily surprised." I sit on the couch where Luke was before and frown when Serena sits beside me at a safe distance.

"What are we going to do today?" She asks yawning and laying her head on the back of the sofa. She looks childish and the way her hair spreads across the pillows is just beautiful.

"We have to do the grocery shopping." Serena groans in frustration, the sound sends a shiver to the tip of my spine and I widen my eyes as I settle on the couch. This supposedly shouldn't be happening. Serena's frustrated groan shouldn't make my hair stand up ... But it did.

"I'm going to take a shower and get Holly." She gets up again and I watch her walk out into the hall.

"You have 10 minutes." I announce it because I really didn't want to be in the checkout line all morning because Serena took too long in the shower.

"Make it 20." She turned on the way and offered me a wink before entering her bedroom. I opened and closed my mouth a few times. Was it my impression or was Serena Joy just flirting with me?

I took a long breath before going to get dressed. I needed to keep my nerves in place before Serena Joy took my sanity away.

"Do we really need four bags of doritos, June?" Her question makes me turn around in the snack session. She's wearing a white blouse and jeans, her hair half tied up with a ponytail that tied only the top, leaving the rest of the strands scattered around her long neck. She looks like a housewife.

"I like them in my period days just like you attack the jar of peanut butter." She looks away from my eyes and shakes her head negatively, but doesn't touch my doritos bags, which I considered a victory. I wink at Holly on her baby chair, and she’s smiling at me.

"How do you know that, if I only do it at dawn?" She asks as she reaches for the cookies that Hannah liked. That was a very simple question to answer, actually, she woke up smelling like peanut butter.

It was a pretty good smell.

"You forget the spoon in the sink, sometimes." It wasn't a lie, but it wasn't the whole truth either. Serena didn't always need to know the whole truth.

I watch her smile for a moment and then tilt her head as she looks at me again.

"I texted Mark ... He said he can get your divorce papers, but you will have to send copies of your documents and the girls' to him." I nod and push the supermarket cart forward. We just needed to get wine. The white wine ended on shushi day and the red wine was almost gone. "You know I was kidding, right?" She asks next, making me turn my head and look up to reach her eyes. "You don't necessarily need to divorce, if you and Luke still have a chance I don't think we should ..." I just shake my head.

"Serena ... Me and Luke ... It won't happen, ever again." My eyes are on the path I'm taking with the cart through people in the pasta session, but I can tell when Serena frowns slightly.

"Is it too personal if I ask why?" I stop the cart in front of the supermarket wine session. An ironic smile forms in my mouth.

"Serena, we live in the same apartment, and we’re raising a daughter together. What can be more personal than that?" I mentally answered my own question and cursed myself a few times.

"Then why?" She asked, reaching for a bottle of white wine. Serena also had a better taste than mine for drinks, as expected.

"I don't like his smell anymore." I reply without even realizing it, looking at the bottle she's holding between her long fingers and the mangled finger holder. "Or his touch." I don't look up, although I know her eyes are on me. Questioning eyes, bright from the tone of the sky when the afternoon was fading to make way for the night.

"Do you think that someday ...?" I shake my head. I don't think I would ever be able to kiss Luke again without feeling a knot in my stomach. It wasn't his fault. But I learned to like the softness more than the rustic that rested in his hands.

There was Nick. He wasn't soft and yet ... Just thinking about him, that little bedroom above the garage, that bed ... all that smell. It made goosebumps run down my spine.

"I think that's it. We can go to the cashier." I wasn't trying to stop the conversation, I was just pretty sure the conversation was over.

We passed our purchases by the cashier and paid, without many other problems.

"Do you want to go home or go out for lunch?" I'm the one who asks. It would be funny if it wasn't extremely strange how my life with Serena was a routine for a married couple.

"Well ..." She looks at Holly in the back seat, drooling over her apron. "Holly needs a little sun ... I think we can go to that bistro near the Art Gallery ... We can even go there, I wanted to see their exhibition on the faces of life and death a few days ago...What do you think?" And my nerdy roommate came back with all her strength.

"I think I can tolerate you talking about art in my head for like 2 hours." Serena is smiling when she starts the car, that suggestive smile. I knew she was thinking "Make it 3". Sometimes it was amazing how I really didn't need words to understand her.

"Okay ... What are we looking at?" I ask for the third time when Serena stops in front of a rather strange sculpture with her notebook in hands.

"In my view it looks like a representation of death in the face of illness." I frown and tilt my head to try to see what she's seeing. To me it just looked like a bunch of tangled limbs.

"How do you see that?" Serena turns to face me, just gently, she has a small smile in the corner of her mouth.

"It's just an interpretation, June ... Each person has a different one, maybe even the author doesn't know what he meant." I look at Holly in the baby stroller, and she looks back at me with eyes shining.

"I know ... Your mommy confuses me too." I felt Serena rolling her eyes behind me. She passed me and went on to the next sculpture. This one was much more understandable. Two lovers. They were naked.The members were intertwined. They were two men, their faces were extremely close.

One had a hole in the chest, shaped like a human heart and the other had a human heart between his fingers, with his other hand he supported his lover by the hip.He looked like he was about to die.

It was an extremely morbid sculpture, but beautiful, in a dark material that made the position even sadder. There is an aura in that sculpture bringing a painful vibration through my chest. I really don't know why.

"Die for love." The words escape my mouth and Serena's eyes turn to me, with an intensity that leaves my legs a little weak.

"That's not love. It's an ababomination.Leviticus 18:22." My eyes fell on a woman I didn't even notice was standing next to me. She had black hair and looked relatively young, even though her mouth twisted into a grimace made her a few years older. I frowned. Gilead was there ... Only a few kilometers separated us from a place where homosexual people were hung on walls with ropes and hooks.

I felt my stomach hurts. Is that how Gilead started? With small people and small minds? Would it never stop? Would religion always be a weapon against those who had no way to defend themselves?

That's when I felt Serena approaching. She walked around my body with a determined step and then, before I could say anything, she took my left hand with her right, interlacing our fingers. I widened my eyes and so did the woman who was now next to Serena. She accompanied all the movement.

"This is ridiculous." The woman murmured in disgust and for a moment I thought she was really going to argue with us. However, she just looked at our hands together again and walked away. Serena didn't release my hand as the woman walked with her heavy steps. Her hand was soft, bigger than mine, with long fingers and it was warm. Now that we were alone I could feel the blush rising up my face. Why did Serena Joy make me feel like a stupid teenager was still something I would have to understand.

"We should go home." I look at her. 

She looks defeated.

And I think my heart can be taken out of my chest, just like one of the lovers.

The woman who managed to keep people far away where she walked in Gilead, with that cold look and lips pressed in line. She was ... She was gray now...Because of that woman, for some reason.

"Just because of that ...?" I can't find words to describe her. Serena shrugs, but her fingers are still firm against my hand. "You wanted to see this exhibition ... Don't let anyone ruin it." Her eyes drop to look at me and a small smile appears on her lips. It's not a happy smile, but it was still a smile.

"Thank you, June." I want to understand why her eyes look so watery. What did that woman say in two sentences that could have upset Serena so much? But I didn't feel entitled to ask. Serena and I had a silent agreement, if she wanted to tell me something she would say and so would I do the same.

Serena pushes Holly's pram for the next sculpture and her hand drops mine. There is a feeling of emptiness so huge when I can no longer feel her skin that it scares me. I shouldn't feel that.

She is my daughter's other mother, she's Serena. God she still thought I hated her.

What's going on with me? It would be great to be able to talk to Moira now. A lesbian friend could tell me if I was bi or just mixing things up a lot. But Moira just would say that I was clearly having a case of Stockholm syndrome and would give me her analyst number.

Serena smiled at me when she finally found the sculpture that most caught her attention in the virtual exhibition. Her smile, even though small and only satisfied, warmed parts of me that made no sense.

I learned to like Serena Joy. She could be methodical, very organized and take the longest showers known in human race. But she had a warm smile, a melodious voice that made me sleep like I've never slept before and a kind of protection with the people she liked, which many would call compulsive.

Serena was what didn't fit after Gilead.

Emily, Moira were following their lives well, without resorting to the past that was Gilead ... As for me, I went to share an apartment with Serena Joy, I couldn't smell my husband anymore and my best friend was ridiculously angry with me.

And I was fine. That was the great irony of it all. I struggled so hard to get out of that country and of course I would do it all again to save my daughters, but I honestly thought it would be different. My thoughts were that I would resume my life with Luke, he would definitely forgive everything with Nick, because I didn't have an option. Moira and I could go to our saturday night bars again. We would raise Holly and Hannah together.

But none of this happened, and I was grateful that it didn't. After all ... No one could understand me as Serena did. No one had the tranquilizing effect she had on me.

They could call me Stockholm if they wanted to, I didn't care.

Serena frowned at the stare I kept on her face for a while and I just smirked, shrugging.

Is it all we've ever been?

That's what I wonder.

"Take a picture, it will last longer." Serena says right next to my ear, causing all the hairs on the back of my neck to rise. I widen my eyes at her and the blonde lets out a glorious laugh. Not the modest smile, not that low laugh, but a loud laugh that makes my ears extremely silly.

"You're so stupid." She holds her lower lip between her teeth. Her eyes are light again, and she has no idea how much it makes my heart race.

Crap, Osborne.

You shouldn't feel that. Not for her. It would complicate things on a stratospheric level.

"I just want to take a look at the last part on the second floor. Do you mind?" I shake my head and Serena smiles before walking away. Her blonde hair sways at the same pace as her hips while she heads for the stairs.

She turns around before starting up the steps and I can see the laughter in her mouth when she realizes that my gaze is still on her. I roll my eyes, my ears are warm again.

Why her?

I ask myself.

With so many people in the world, June Osborne.Why Serena Joy?

Nobody was her. That's why her.


	6. She felt right

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm a major dork and I'm proud of it

There are two empty bottles on the coffee table and my head is heavy when I lay it against the sofa cushion.

"Did you have animals as a child?" Serena's question makes me open my eyes to look at her, lying on the couch. One of her thighs is rubbing my head. It takes me a moment to concentrate to answer that question.

"I had dogs, my mom didn't like cats." Serena takes another sip from her glass. Her hair is down and seems to frame her face in the dim room. She looks ethereal.

"My mom didn't like living things in general, but she had nothing against plants." That explained why she spent so much time in that greenhouse.

"I know that Hannah would like a dog." My voice is a little groggy. This was getting dangerous.

Alcohol and personal questions. We could end up on a path of no return ... But my head was too numb for me to care. I look at Serena's free hand on her belly, her pinky absent.

"How many scars do you have?" I think that's my question number 17 for her, but it could be the 18th too. I don't remember who started the game.

Serena takes a deep breath and closes her eyes for a brief moment before opening them again. She's not looking at me.

"Some scratches on my knees when I was a kid." I avoid turning my eyes to look at her bare legs. Long bare legs. "There's the bullet from that shot in the belly." She runs her fingers down her stomach, very slowly, I follow the movement. "The other shot, in the arm." She doesn't have to go through this one, I know where it is, exactly. She bites her lips to the next one and her free hand closes in a tight fist. "Some of those marks never left my butt." A shiver runs through my spine at the mere memory. That was a shitty question Osborne. "The pinky." She moves it over her belly and I swallow again.

It was on that day that I really wanted to rip out Fred's face with my teeth. So beautiful hands ... Broken, incomplete.

"My father beat me where no one could see it, so the inside of my thighs also has some marks that never came out." I widen my eyes at her with the information.

I should have known. Someone like Serena should've had the worst possible parents. It justified nothing, but the lack of love and the presentation of hate so soon could do so many things to a person.

"The aunts beat our feet ... When I tried to escape with Moira from the red center ... I couldn't walk for days." Her eyes finally stray from the wall and turn to me.

"I'm sorry about that." I shrug. We went through a lot, and we survived, the way we could. I didn’t want to think about the red center...About...Everything. I didn’t want to bring those memories.

"Me too ... For everything." I hold her gaze for a moment until she smiles a little and I frown.

"Do tattoos count as scars?" She asks and I open my mouth in complete disbelief.

"Do you have a tattoo?" The blonde nods and I deny with my head. "Don't fuck with me, Serena. Where?" She's laughing when she gets up from the couch and sits next to me on the floor. Serena raises the hem of her pajama top to her breast. She's not wearing a bra. My heart races at the possibility. Her skin is so bright, so delicate. My heart seems to stop when I spot a small cross in her ribs. It's small, but it's a tattoo. I've never imagined that Serena could have a tattoo. She had some of a rebel inside her. I want to touch her. She lowers her blouse and I leave the torpor my mind was for seeing so much of her skin.

"I told you." Serena bites her lips in amusement, something that she did a lot and still brought things to me every time.

"Really surprising." She smiles slowly. I can tell that her eyes are a little too soft. We really should stop drinking.

"Who was your first kiss with?" I laugh now. It's loud and Serena laughs too without even understanding why.

"Mike Miller. Seventh grade, behind the school stands. He had lots of pimples and drooled all over me. I felt like I was kissing a dog." Serena laughs softly and I look at her again before the question leaves my mouth.

"And who was your first kiss?" Her smile gradually fades. Her look meeting the ceiling when she lays her head on the pillow. I thought I've touched on something I shouldn't have and was about to say that she didn't need to answer when Serena spoke again.

"Lucy Jackson." I try not to widen my eyes, but it's impossible. Serena's first kiss was a girl. "It was in a cinema near the school. She was beautiful." She doesn't add more and for a moment it is the silence that rests in the room. Serena had already kissed a girl. How many times? When did she decide she wanted to marry Fred? Did she decide that? "I can hear your thoughts from here." Serena has a slight twitch in her mouth when she turns on her side to look at me in the eye. "I dated her for a while ... We knew how to be careful, we never stayed together at school and never went out in public." She twists her lips and sighs. "My mom suspected at some point and when she confirmed her suspicions, my dad caught me in the act at her house." Her voice is steady, but I can see how much it hurts ... Not the father finding out, but the mother's help. Mothers were supposed to protect us. "After that ... I just could leave home to go to college ... My father already had connections with the Sons of Jacob and I already knew I would marry Fred as soon as I was old enough." Serena shrugs for a moment and then takes her glass to toast with the one in my hand. "To my father." She says and there is an ironic smile on her mouth.

"May he rest in hell." I toast back, and she lets out a low laugh as I turn the rest of my wine in my mouth.

"Do you want more wine?" She asks and her voice sounds muffled.

"Wine not?" I hope she looks at me with those ironic eyes, but Serena doesn't move even though I can hear her laughing.

This time a comfortable silence rests in the room, just the sound of cars outside the apartment and our breaths. My face is hot. I shouldn't take anything else.

"Are you jealous of Tuello?" My eyes widen again and I give my best "WHAT?" look to Serena. She's smiling in that boastful way, as if she had some information that I didn't have. "You look really uncomfortable with him and considering that he's constantly around me I just wondered if maybe ..." I let out what would have been the start of a laugh, shaking my head. This was ridiculous.

"I'm not jealous of Tuello, Serena." She bites her lower lip playfully again. Her eyes look so young in those moments.

"Are you sure?" I place my empty glass on the coffee table and face her with my arms crossed.

"Why would I be jealous of Tuello? You are my fake girlfriend, Serena. No more than that." She shrugs and I hate the way she looks at me now, like she knows something I didn't know. Normally Serena knew things I didn't know and it irritated me deeply. That mocking smile, those ironic eyes.

"If you say so." She says raising her eyebrows and looking away in the living room windows.

It should be a crime to look so good in profile. She has a jaw with a firm yet soft curve, making her still have that hard look which makes anyone uncomfortable and at the same time that relaxed expression which few people have had the privilege of seeing, besides me. Her neck is stupidly long like a swan, her nose is aligned and seems to make the perfect outline of her face. Serena has a symmetrical face. She looks like a painting or a sculpture.

Shit.Why a Harry Styles' song doesn't want to get out of my head? It was a very good song, but I doubted it would be productive to think about it now. She turns to face me again and I can feel the irony coming from her.

"You can be so annoying when you want to." I mumble taking my eyes off her to my cell phone on the coffee table. An email had just flashed on the screen, but I was too drunk to care.

"If it bothered you so much, it's because it's true." I can't contain the urge to roll my eyes. I wasn't jealous of Tuello. I didn't have to be jealous of Tuello because we weren't competing for anything in the first place.

"I'm not jealous of Tuello. I just think it's ridiculous the way he flirts with you constantly and pretends it's a warmth. He could at least be honest." That's what I say instead and Serena raises a perfectly symmetrical eyebrow in my direction.

"That sounds like jealousy, June." She pulls her lower lip between her teeth again as another amused smile takes her mouth.

"Shut up, Serena." I don't understand when the words escape my mouth. It wasn't mature on my part at all, but my heart was already beating faster for some reason and I could feel my ears hot again. I was losing control and I didn't either had reasons to lose control.

It didn't make sense to be jealous. She wasn't mine in any level, other than being my daughter's mother and my nerdy roommate. I wasn't jealous. Serena tilts her head at me, as if she's pondering what was going on in my head at that moment. It should seem like a pretty good experiment for her constant ability to read people.

She tilts her body towards me and I'm forced to move my face back so that she doesn't find her nose with mine.

I frown. What the hell is going on? We shouldn't have drunk that much.

"Why don't you make me?" Her voice sounds hoarse now and the way it makes my insides pulse is anything but normal. She's not smiling, it's not a joke.

"Make you w-what?" I stuttered.

For fuck's sake ... I'm pathetic.

I watch the smile appear on her face, slowly and softly, it's not ironic or mocking, just a smile. I may have imagined it, but I could've sworn her eyes fell to my mouth for a brief moment before settling on mine again. My heartbeat was so loud now. Could she hear it?

"Make me shut up, June." Again, that hoarse voice sends a shiver straight down to the middle of my legs. I take a deep breath, my ears are extremely hot at this point. She gets a little closer and this time I don't move back. Her breath is hot too, beating wildly against my cheek.

What are we doing? That's what I want to ask. What's going on and why do her eyes look so blue now? They seem to smile at me.

I wanted to say I was terrified, but I wasn't. Because Serena had that effect on me. She made me not afraid anymore. She made me forget that someday I could have been killed for what I was about to do.

I want to kiss her so much now it hurts. I can feel my fingers tense in anticipation.

How did we get to this point?

Serena doesn't move, though. She's looking at me, her breath is breaking against my face, but she doesn't touch her mouth to mine.

I wonder why for a moment until my eyes meet hers again.

She wouldn't do anything I didn't want to. It was years of people forcing me and her to do things we didn't want to do. Torment, rape, scars.

There was none of that in this new life. Here we could choose, what we wanted to eat, what we wanted to hear on the car radio, where we would like to work, who we would like to love.

My heart beats uncontrollably in my chest again for how she cares.

I press my lips together. I want to. I want so much to know if this is just a dazzle or if I really want to kiss her as much as my skin screams to do.

I shouldn't. Damn ... I really shouldn't. I was never known for being a thinker, though.

Before I can stop myself I pull her face to me, ending with the distance between us, both hands grabbing her by the cheeks, slapping my mouth on hers.

Serena doesn't move away. She wrapped her hands around the hem of my shirt, pulling me even closer to her as her mouth slid over mine with a need that was pumping through my veins.

I could die at that moment and I wouldn't care. The world could end. She had the most amazing lips I have ever kissed. They were soft, delicate and the taste of wine was a great additive.

My fingers slide across her skin, it's soft when I touch and sensitive. I like it. When my fingertips meet the back of her neck, Serena snarls in my mouth. She pushes her hips against mine and my cheeks burn with the evident desire that pumps through my body. I want her.

I run my tongue over her bottom lip, and she opens her mouth to welcome me. There is a painful, but delightful, shiver all over my body when I can finally taste her in my mouth. Her tongue moving through mine leaves my legs shaking a little.

It was good that we were on our knees. I don't think I would be able to do that standing up.

I don't think I've ever felt so alive.

She exudes heat. Her body is more impressive than anything I have ever felt. It's pathetic the way I want her to keep kissing me for the rest of my days.

I feel her fingers hesitantly find the curve of my hips. She realizes there is no hesitation and her grip becomes stronger, sinking the tips into my waist, bringing me even closer to her body, if that were physically possible.

She's not Luke. She's not Nick. She's not Mike Miller. None of them did that. None of them left me like that with a kiss.

What the hell is going on?

I almost whimper when she pulls her mouth away from mine. My breath is ridiculously short and my face looks like it's on fire. Serena has a small smile on her mouth when she touches my forehead with hers, her eyes are closed, but her breath seems far from normal as well.

"I did not expect this." She whispered, her eyes still closed, her body still pressed so tightly against mine that I could feel her breasts and the way her chest rose and fell with each breath.

"What did you expect? That I would punch you in the mouth?" Serena laughs. Again not a giggle or a small smile, a loud laugh making my head dive.

"I wasn't talking about that, idiot." Her eyes meet mine again and I can tell they are shining. "I didn't expect it to be ..." She looks down and her fingers grip my waist over the fabric of my clothes. "Real?" I frown and Serena shrugs for a brief moment. "Then he kissed her. At his lips’ touch she blossomed for him like a flower and the incarnation was complete. " Damn hoarse and melodious voice.

I can't identify where the quote comes from, but from her smile I'm pretty sure it's Fitzgerald.

"Have you thought about joining the Fitzgerald fan club?" Serena moistens her bottom lip with the tip of her tongue. But she doesn't back off with an even smarter tease. I pull her hands away for a moment, just enough to get on my feet again.

I watch the confusion settle in her face while she still looks at me. On her knees. On the floor.

"It suits you well." She rolls her eyes and I smile when I extend my hand to her. "Come sleep with me." Serena opens her mouth and then closes it again, as if she had no idea what to say. It's the first time I've seen Serena Joy blush so hard, even her ears. "Not for that, silly. I just want you to sleep with me." Because I was starving for her touch. Sex would be too much to deal with the amount of alcohol in my body and hers and it could end very badly in the next morning.

But I wanted her. Even if it was just to lay beside me, watching how symmetrical her face was.

Serena takes my fingers and stands up. I have to look up to meet her eyes now.

"Are you sure about that?" I wasn't sure.

I wasn't sure of anything but the fact that I wanted her there. Because there was nothing in this world that could make me feel as out of orbit as she made. I appreciated that more than I could say.

"It's the only thing I'm sure of." Serena opens her mouth again, as if to say something, but she doesn't. She just nods.

I pull her by the hand to my bedroom and my fingers intertwine with hers. We pass the threshold and I close the door behind her.

I pull her down in the next second. My lips find hers again and ... That's it.

It felt right.

Her touch felt right. Her kiss felt right. Serena felt right.

She felt right.

It was heartwarming to know it wasn't just a dazzle.


	7. It can’t be simple

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really missed Moira

I open my eyes and almost immediately groan in pain. The sunlight comes in through the window and seems to hit my aching eyes directly. My head throbs and my throat has had better days. I was no longer a teenager to drink like that.

I frown and sneeze when I feel a tickle in my nose. It takes me a few seconds to realize that what caused the tickling was hair. Golden hair. Why is Serena in my bed?

I rub my eyes to make sure I'm awake. I am.

So why the hell is Serena Joy in my bed? I widen my eyes at the possibility that crosses my mind. I try to remember anything from last night. There was wine. There was a game of questions. What else?

Were we so drunk as to share a bed?

I run my eyes over my body. I was still fully dressed. Serena too. I try not to let out a sigh of relief. Nothing serious had happened. We just drank too much and my bedroom was the closest. Just that.

What time was it? I needed to feed Holly.

Holly had the privilege of having two mothers. The problem is that they both had a hangover.

I throw my feet out of bed and head to the bathroom as quietly as possible. I watch Serena sleeping while I brush my teeth. The sun hits her hair and it really looks like gold. Her expressions are relaxed and she breathes calmly. She looks so beautiful it hurts.

Holly is awake when I enter Serena's bedroom. She was playing with the stuffed animals in the crib. She doesn't scream when she sees me ... As many children her age would do, she's an amazingly calm child, she took it from Serena.

I prepare a bottle for Holly and start making breakfast while my youngest daughter looks at me with interest from her baby seat. Pancakes are my choice for Sunday. My mom used to do it for me every Sunday. I never thought I was a traditional person, but I had nothing against pancakes.

Radio programming was highlighting the 1980s. BonJovi. Journey. U2.

This charming man by The Smiths.I really liked that song.

Holly seemed to like it too because she was smiling while drooling. It looked perfect to me.

"Can you turn the volume down for God's sake?" I jump in place when Serena's voice comes from the kitchen archway. I raise my eyebrows as I turn down the volume. It was at five.

"Someone has a hangover." I say, occupying my hands with pouring two mugs of bitter coffee.

"Remind me to never drink with you again." She murmurs, sitting down facing Holly. "Hey Holly." Serena leans in to smell our daughter and she giggles. "Mommye overslept." She plays with her nose and I can't help but smile. They were beautiful together.

Serena's gaze strayed from Holly when she realized I was standing with two mugs in my hand. She held out her right hand and I snapped the mug handle on her fingers.

"Thanks." There's something about that smile. Serena was usually so frowning in the morning. But she smiles at me, one of those smiles that she usually only offers Holly.

I frown, but shrug before sitting in the chair opposite hers.

"So why were you sleeping in my bed?" My question sounds muffled with the mug in my mouth. However, Serena understands because her eyes widen, and she chokes on her coffee.

She coughs a few times before looking at me with both eyebrows almost joined in doubt.

"So don't you remember last night?" I open and close my mouth as my eyes scan her body language. She seems strangely defensive about it. What?

"I remember the wine and the beginning of the game. No more than that. Why? Was I emotional and asked you to sleep with me?" Serena holds her lower lip between her teeth for a moment, her eyes follow my every move to bring the mug to my lips. She seems to ponder and then rolls her eyes.

"You were afraid to throw up in your sleep. I slept with you." She doesn't add more but I don't miss it when she impatiently puts a lock of hair that was constantly falling on her face behind her ears. It wasn't an absurd explanation. I used to throw up a lot with vodka. Wine gave me a damn headache, but who knows, maybe this time I didn't drink too much even for myself. So why do I feel something is missing? "Will you stay at home?" I frown at the sudden change of subject and nod. "I'll go out for a run." I nodded. Serena liked to go jogging on the weekends, which was the time we had some time.

"Hannah wants to go to the movies later, don't make plans." Serena smirks, almost mockingly, when she leaves the mug by half on the table.

"I'm not going out with Tuello, if that's what you're worried about." I open and close my mouth, but I don't have time to ask what she means. Because Serena is already getting up and walking with a firm step towards her bedroom. Did I say something? Why was I suddenly getting ice treatment in the old Ms. Waterford style?

I organized the house while she was away. That sounded so much like a 50s housewife. But I just tidied up my bedroom and vacuumed up the dust. Holly was a healthy child and I didn't want her to develop an allergy.

When I reached for my cell phone there was a new email. Mark Tuello, of course. But this time it was a list of the documents I would need for the divorce. Luke wouldn't be happy about that. I had to communicate him as soon as possible.

I was lying on the sofa in the living room, reading aloud "Navigant Early" by Clare Vanderpool to a baby who didn't seem very interested in listening. Holly was just looking at the ceiling while I read. It was in this impasse that Serena returned, an hour and a half later.

I looked up from my reading to watch her enter the apartment door. Serena had her hair tied up in a ponytail and was wearing leggings and a white blouse that was stained with sweat around her neck. She has the earphones on her ears and looks really oblivious as she raises the hem of her shirt and wipes her forehead.

It wasn't just her back that was shapely. I close my eyes with her abs image.

That's not right, Osborne. You really need to talk to someone.

This kind of heat it's not normal. The way your fingers are shaking to touch her belly is not normal.

Serena heads to the kitchen without looking at me. I can hear her opening the refrigerator and reaching for a bottle of water. A shiver goes down my spine painfully with what my mind imagines. This was going too far.

"Serena." I say it loud enough so that she can hear me even with the earphones. She looks startled when she sees me on the couch and takes off her earphones before looking at me questioningly. "I think I'm going to see Moira. Are you okay with Holly?" She just nods before walking to pick up our daughter. She really isn't talking to me. "Are you okay?" I ask before I can stop myself. Serena shrugs, fitting Holly on the curve of her hip.

"Why wouldn't I be?" An answer that wasn't an answer, in the old Ms. Waterford style. I scold my urge to roll my eyes.

She walks down the hall and I follow her steps for a moment before looking for Moira's number in my phone book and calling.

She's waiting for me in one of the downtown coffee shops, as in the old days. She's wearing a combination of jeans and shirt, just like me and is already having a milk shake. Probably strawberry. I was irritated by how everyone I knew before Gilead judged my actions, but I would lie if I said I didn't feel a tightness in my chest every time I saw Moira. She was my best friend. We left. We escaped that place where only despair and our own suicidal thoughts had a turn. We are in a new world, a new life that is ... Good.

"Hey." I greet when I sit in a chair in front of her. Moira smiles at me, there is no irony when she smiles.

"Hey, Stockholm. How have you been doing?" I roll my eyes, but I don't warn her.

"I'm doing fine, Moira and you?" She just shakes her head.

"I'm not living the American dream, but I can't complain. Do you want the menu? They have really good milk shakes here." She takes another suck from the straw in her glass and I just shake my head for a moment. I still didn't know if my stomach could take anything solid or sweet. "What about Holly?" I watch my friend for a moment and smile when my daughter's chubby face comes to mind.

"She's gaining weight and is the most peaceful baby I have ever seen. She certainly didn't take that from me." I was about to add that she looked too much like Serena, but I kept my tongue behind my teeth. I had to be a little more subtle with Moira.

"You could have brought her. You know how I love children." We both share a look of irony, and she's the first one to laugh. For a moment it's like old times.

As if there was no Gilead and an ocean of feelings and events over the past few years. But there is. And we can't ignore that.

"No new girlfriend?" I ask as I tap my fingers rhythmically against the wood of the table. Moira frowns for a brief moment before shaking her head.

"I made out with a girl last week, but she's not really my type." Or maybe she just didn't want anyone else. It could be a possibility. I didn't think about relating to anyone when I first got into this new life, but then Serena Joy decided to become super attractive overnight and now I had a giant problem in hands.

For fuck's sake. She slept with me. Her perfume seemed to be ingrained on me until that moment. And I couldn't say it didn't make the middle of my legs throb.

"I've never asked you ... How did you know you liked girls?" Moira raises her eyebrows in my direction. She takes the straw to her mouth again before speaking.

"Haven't I never told you? I did a pharmacy test, the result was 'lesbian positive'." I roll my eyes again. It's a shame that there was so much resentment between Moira and Serena.

They would get along very well, the acid mood was the same.

"You're ridiculous." Moira laughs, throwing her head back and looking at the ceiling. She remains like that for a moment, hands crossed behind her head and I think she won't answer my question. I should have considered the amount of resentment she and Luke were building up against me.

"Do you remember the Edward Scissorhands movie?" I frown and sign. It was one of my Tim Burton's favorites. "I must have been a preteen when I first watched it and all I wanted to do was kiss Winona Ryder. Johnny Depp was cute, but Winona was radiant, luminous. She looked like an angel." Serena's back image flashes in my head and I nod to the waiter. I would accept a milk shake now. "But I only knew for sure when I kissed a girl for the first time. Kissing guys didn't even compare to kissing a girl." I scratch the back of my neck and ask the waiter for the first milk shake flavor in the menu. He's a young boy who smiles at me in a fun way before leaving.

The solution to my problem was to kiss Serena then? I think that would invalidate my statement that I wouldn't be kissing her in the first place.

  
"Why did you ask that, June?" Moira has that smile when she cross folds her arms and stares at me with slightly arched eyebrows. God ... She and Serena would really get along if they tried.

"I was curious. They were broadcasting 'Blue is the warmest color' on television today." Moira tilts her head at me and rolls her eyes. I frown. Was I that simple to read?

"Please don't tell me it's her." I open my mouth and close it again, more slowly than I intended. The way she says _her_. Another shiver goes down my spine. This one nothing had to do with intensely painful sensations.

"What?" It's useless. She realized. I was very obvious with my approaches. I had to work it better.

"Please don't tell me you want to sleep with Serena fucking Joy." I don't know what to say. I don't know where to start. Because I'm sure Moira doesn't want to hear. She doesn't want to hear what I have to say about Serena.

"She's not that disgusting sea monster that you and Luke like to feed on your heads so much." Moira looks at me in disbelief for a moment, her eyes are wide and her mouth is slightly open. It looks like I just spoke Greek. She lets out a laugh through her nose.

"She created Gilead, June." I bite my bottom lip hard enough to draw blood.

"You know this isn't true. She had as much control over things that happened as you or I did." Moira smiles now as she shakes her head from side to side. It's that ironic smile, as if she's talking to an annoying teenager.

"Sure, because while we were losing our jobs, she was giving speeches to thousands of people about how women should be housewives again." I scratch the back of my neck and take a deep breath. That was a bad idea. I should have done a damn internet test like any normal person. "You have a good husband, you know? The guys who really wait are so rare. The guys who wait without going to look for prostitutes in the darkest parts of the city are even rarer. And what you want is to play house with that thing you call a woman. " I moisten my lips with my tongue. She wasn't there. She had no way of knowing. That's what I repeat in my head when all I want is to tell her to go fuck herself.

"I don't control it." It's what I say instead. Even if I wanted. I couldn't control anything about the way I felt. Quite frustrating. It would be very simple if there was a button I could push to simply stop feeling that strange comfort with Serena. Stop looking at her when she seemed focused. Or find it adorable the way she eats the pen tip while thinking about a new paragraph. Or even when she's playing with Holly. Or telling a story to Hannah. It wasn't simple.

I wanted it to be simple. It can’t be simple. Not with our story.

"Have you tried to talk to your psychologist about this?" I roll my eyes this time. I didn't have Stockholm syndrome. I studied mental illnesses in university, I knew the symptoms and no. I wasn't sick.

"Is it so hard to believe that Serena is an interesting and beautiful person and that I can feel something for her?" It's Moira's turn to roll her eyes, so hard it bothers me.

"It's actually quite unbelievable that you find that bitter woman interesting. And beautiful? ... For God's sake, June. The woman is a war criminal no matter how sexy she is." Why did I think this was going to be productive?

"To be fair, we are war criminals too." Moira doesn't reply this time, but I believe it is only because the boy brought my milk shake. I thank him with a small smile.

Moira is silent for a moment before looking at me. I watch her chest swell as she lets out a long breath.

"If you're going to do that. Apply for a divorce first. He still thinks he has a chance and that's pathetic." I nod. I knew I had to do that, even for the fake relationship.

"Do you think he'll be really out of his mind?" Moira crosses her arms again, almost in a defensive position.

"Do you blame him if he does?" I shrug. I try not to think about it too much. I didn't want to hurt anyone. But I couldn't go on pretending that my marriage had any salvation. I wouldn't surrender to the known and comfortable.

Not ever.

I didn't go through hell more than once to just settle for what was given to me.

If I wanted her I would fight for that.

"With so many women in the world ... Did you have to want to get in between Serena Joy's legs, June?" I press my lips together and I can't help but smile. My chest is heavy with information, with the prospect of divorce, with the possibility of hurting people I didn't want to hurt. But I can't help but smile.

"She has a nice pair of legs." Moira opens her mouth in disbelief again and then laughs. She really laughs and the sound makes my heart light. I missed my best friend so much.

"I will never forgive you for not letting me be your first." It's my turn to laugh out loud.

"We can fix this. Do you know of an alley nearby?" She throws a smashed napkin at me.

"Jerk." She smirks with the straw in her lips and then sighs. "I always wanted a bisexual best friend, you know." The best friend makes me smile slowly, enjoying how the words fall on me.

It was nice to have Moira back.

"Will you stop picking on her, now?" Moira's smile widens in her mouth in an almost feline way.

"Oh you can bet hell I will."


End file.
